lost...

i must have mentioned, lately i have been tweaking up my contacts back home in India just to make sure that i do not become yet another victim of the 'pardesh se lauta dude' syndrome...

its a hard task trying to acclimatise yourself to an environment that has changed drastically in the last 3 years...blame rampant globalisation & economic growth...damn all the potential benefits to the masses, having a country surge forward at this rate is simply disastrous news for all the gentry who are far flung from the land and who are trying to make a comeback...well i guess i'm exaggerating a bit, but for heaven's sake they shut down the ice tea place near IIM and opened this amazing cafe called Mocha instead...now i never get to relive those moments of late evenings spent at the Ice Tea Shop (aka Noon to Night). it's all gone. forever!!

apart from my 'oh so miserable' tale of woe, the one thing that has kindda dawned upon me is that the last 3 years on this island has seen me loose something. i seem to have lost myself in everything that has been my life so far. don't know how and when, but that certainly has happened...i take a look at all my friends and acquaintances back home & how well they have moved on in life and where they are right now, and then i take a look at myself...i see that i certainly have floundered. i seem to have lost that unbeatable aura that i used to have & my competitive spirit that ensured that i top everything that i set to do...i no longer strive, i just flow along.

it's just not like me. it doesn't feel like me...these three years are like this hazy mist that has engulfed me. it's neither a dream nor a nightmare, but it certainly does feel something between the two & at times i am left wishing that i wake up and find myself the way i was. but that would be waking up in a utopian land. cause these three years is as real as my fingers as i type this out. but i do wish that i would wake up and find myself back the way i was.

there are a million thoughts running through my head right now. but i can't seem to put most of them into words that would make sense to anyone but me!!

do i have any regrets in coming to Mauritius? ...maybe...

but, would i do it all over again? ...maybe...

do i feel lost & confused? ...yes, definitely...

Slob of a Blog...

awight!!

the summary of this post is that my lazy bum is not moving in any direction whatsoever...it is almost a month into the holidays and all i have to show for all my pains in the past few days are as follows:

1. i have built my self my own little domain (that is besides the big one that is the apartment) where i spend most of my time each day. it's soooo convenient...my computer up front and i'm just a spin of the chair away from the TV/DVD player & the football games & my F.R.I.E.N.D.S dvd's. :)
2. i have substituted a lot of hours completely every now and then to my gaming. Half Life is almost done and so is Sarge...i'm hanging on, trying not to finish the last few levels simply to keep something as a backup in case i fall short of things to do in the near future. just got myself Hitman 3...now that should keep me in my chair for a bit longer.
3. have consumed incredible amount of coke. i tell ya, these MNCs are mooching off me....bastards!!
4. yesterday i took a day off to get out of my domain and see the world around. took that as an opportunity to put my camera to some use. also, got myself a new beer time story...
5. my sister has finally labelled me as the worst brother ever after i bullied her into making me Apollo instant noodles past midnight while i watched my football game. actually i stood by her all along to make sure that she made em' right!! (you know...boil the water first & then add the noodles after breaking em' & finally add the masala after the noodles are properly done)...ahh yes, i did miss a bit of my game in having to doing so.
6. i have realised that although i love cooking, lately i really do despise doing the dishes and cleaning up afterwards. that too has been relegated to my sister's list of daily chores despite the fact that she has her MOCK exams in a weeks time (although i had to do most things all over again anyways to satiate my "it must be done like this" ego).
7. made my way to the store to buy necessities today morning. i so sorely miss the incredible home service from the 'store around the galli-nukkad' that is just a phone call away back in India!!
8. had to get up early today since Boxer was to come over to hand me some more DVDs and Game CDs. the simple drop off turned into an hour long discussion on the best hit in Hitman Series and eventually, watching Underworld Evolution for the 4th time. also, learnt how to puff smoke rings. now i need to practice more, and hence i need to go buy me that Hookah that i've been eyeing for so long.
9. consumed an entire bottle of cheap wine!! topped that up with a pepperoni pizza & more coke (courtesy Pizza Hut home delivery) just so that i have enough energy type out this post.

well, i guess that i am in desperate need of what Boxer put it as "Get a Life!!" thingy...its just that i so very enjoy my slob days, which by the way never last that long, before i materialise into one of those overly dominating freaks who are obsessed with exercising, cleaning, working and doing stuff. after all, i am genetically inclined to be like that...

but right now, it's lazy boy time and that's what i am going to do...be lazy!! cause that's in my genes too!! :)

in Timo's club...

yesterday is behind me & i'm awake now & i just remembered...it's Timo's birthday today!! so folks put your hands together and say out aloud...

go, go, go T-Mo it's your birthday. we gonna party cause it's your birthday. we gonna sip green island cause it's your birthday...turn up the music cause it's your birthday & i just wanna wish ya a very Happy Birthday!!

ha ha...love you brother. hope you have a great time. will be looking forward to pictures from the party on your blog.

~cheers :)

i hate this...

it's happening all over again...once again i feel like i've been run over by a bus and then re-run over by a freight train. the mild numbness of missing someone very dear has suddenly escalated into excruciating pain & all i can do is pray to God begging for it to stop.

i always knew that this moment was only a step away. it's happened before and it's happening again. after all, nostalgia does have a nasty habit of giving way to sadness & i hate it.

i don't want to run from it. i just don't want to feel like this anymore. maybe i need to keep myself busy & not let my thoughts wander off again. maybe i need to do a lot of other things. but right now i just can't do anything.

so i'm gonna go turn off the lights and sleep. sleep is definitely a good medication to most problems & anyways, that's all that i can do at the moment.

en route...

lately i have been quite satisfied simply reading what others have blogged and then quipping in with my comments here and there to make my presence in the Blog world a technically true term. but i do miss my blogging so much, and here i am at it again.

the past few days have been sort of *can't find an appropriate term* for me. it all began last Sunday with the internet doing a kaput act around noon. a frantic call to the networking agency shed light on the defaulting server that was causing me so much anguish. anyways, the lady on the phone promised me that they would have my internet functioning my Monday morning. so then it was time to chill butt with seemingly no viable task available at hand. a quick walk to the video club also proved to be futile. killed time in the kitchen till finally the clock struck 5 & the football games began.

fast forward to Monday...

wake up at 9 and check my PC. ahh, so the lady on the phone was right. they did repair my problem and i once again had internet. hurray!! 2 hours later. internet gone. more frantic calls. but this time no one bothered to respond. all one could hear was the phone ringing and then silence...

wtf...i swore at the fucking silence

...once again my only means of salvation was taken away from me. once again i walked down to the video club. this time though it was open and i ended up renting 3 movies and watching them until 5 pm; & then it was football time.

my internet was finally restored to fully functional level Tuesday afternoon. the rest of the day commenced in the so very predictable mindless browsing of the internet and chatting with Bisht. Amresh came over later that evening and brought over more movies. watched them all and made plans for the next day.

next day's plans are a potential post material in it's entirety and hence that page stays empty for the moment. just know that do not watch the movie "Pher Hera Pheri". i almost killed myself in the second half of that movie.

am getting tired now...have been playing Half Life: Counterstrike for 6 hours straight today. and now i am ready to crash into bed. so forgive me for cutting corners.

later then...

ps: Jaanu, have been missing you a lot all these days. :(

this and that & a bit of Mogambo...

i have always wondered...yes, always wondered. what can i say? i'm curious & contemplative by nature.

this morning dad took the flight to India along with the Dentist Crew. this evening England plays Paraguay and Argentina faces off against Ivory Coast. although Chelsea remains my Club, i'm not too fond of the English as a team. i hope they lose. maybe it's just a prejudice that i bear against them for the 195 years of Raj. or maybe it's just a matter of loyalty to Brazil. it's a family affair, the Football World Cup & Brazil.

anyways, on the way back home after seeing off dad i couldn't resist myself any further and erupted into the MOGAMBO laugh....

yeah the same evil laugh that Mogambo gave every time he said, "Mogambo Khush hua," (Mogambo is happy) and did something so evil that it made Mr. India's blood boil. it sounds something like "heehaaaaha heeehaahaa HEEEHAAHA!!" with the decibel level increasing steadily with each successive outburst.

...this sudden outburst caused quite a bit of grief to my sister who has been dreading this day since forever. poor gal, all she could do was shudder at the thought of having to live with a dictatorial elder brother like myself for the next one and half months (i must admit that i thoroughly enjoyed her discomfort in true Mogambo style). but i made it up to her by making her a great breakfast. now she must clean her room or else she dies!!

the day before, Yash and the rest of the Dentist Crew got done with their exams, with a bit of help from my own dear self (now, that's a story for some other time). anyways, it certainly called for a celebration and we decided to go on and hire this beach house with a big braai set up in the grass right next to the ocean (bru, you should have seen this thing...amazing. i almost wept out of joy when i saw it).

over all it was a pretty fun night. quite surprisingly, lots of people showed up and at one time i even had to call in re-enforcements to help me with the grill. anyways, the crowd began to thin around midnight with the girls & some of the guys deciding to head back to the hostel for some shut eye and finally at around 1 it was only Yash, Digs, Jay, Chu Chu, Taps, Keyur & myself left in da house. well there was no way that we were going to let sleep ruin our party for us. so out came the hidden stock of vodka and beer. needless to say, the party carried on in full swing. i don't know when and who, but someone at some point in time conjured up 'the Grudge' DVD. well the next 1 and 1/2 hours passed in discussing Sarah Michelle Gellar's Buffy the Vampire Slayer days and her hot behind and some more arguing over the forthcoming World Cup.

ahh...beer, movies, sport and a BBQ. what else can a guy ask for!!

also, lately i have been tweaking my contacts and catching up on friends back in India and especially in Ahmedabad as a part of preparations for my own upcoming departure from this island. it is really crazy, the manner in which good ol' A'bad has changed in the past 3 years. sometimes i can't believe that Ahmedabad is the same city with the same people that i left behind when i came to Mauritius. its simply amazing.

it makes me wonder at times.

06.06.06

nice eh? so i assume that today's Satan's birthday. Happy Birthday bad boy.

:)

ps: been raining all day. woke up with a cleaning bug stuck in my arse. as a result ended up cleaning the entire kitchen, doing a shit load of dishes, getting rid of junk, sweeping and mopping the house and making my room a bit habitable. Newton's Third Law effect of my actions include: sparkling clean kitchen with all stuff arranged as per my liking. house sans 7 bags of junk & Richard Parker approving of the way my room looks now.

pps: had an online argument with Bisht last night on whether Batman was better or Superman. both ended up agreeing that Alicia Silverstone is hot and that Mandrake the magician rules!!

my holiday song...

so the flu's gone and that means that once again i am perfectly fit to take a plunge into the ocean at 6 in the morning. though this time around i've actually learnt my lesson and am going to stick to the shore (at least until the water's not warm enough. which usually happens around 4 pm). the weather's been acting up recently and its getting quite windy. something about a low pressure belt in the region, at least that's what the weather girl on TV says.

so today makes it 5 days into my vacations. 4 and half of which i've spent combating the flu. in the last 5 days i've read both my new literary acquisitions and now once again i find myself at the stage where re-reading old books seems to be the only way out. i've already spent hours fiddling with my blog template and signing up to the various community websites such as Hi5, Orkut, MY space, et al (most of which i'm not even going to bother checking again in my life)...

the Mauritian pals have once again managed to disappear...but i'm pretty sure that i could rouse some of them from their 'sleep all day and spend time with family' routine to come out and party if only i was willing to make such an effort. but lately even that seems to be quite an exhausting task and by the time everyone's prepped up enough to do something, i'm tired and ready for bed.

i tried to submerge myself in the kitchen and do some chores around the house as well, but my allergies have been acting up thanks to the flu and that makes me one of those sneezy-wheezy-runny nose fellas. so in retrospect i can conclude with supreme confidence that as per tradition i am absolutely at my wits end not even a week into my holidays and don't know what i'm going to do with the rest of it. my mom has openly admitted to being thankful to God that she is not around right now, and that she prefers living 10,000 miles away in Atlanta to having to listen to my whiny "I'm bored. I don't know what to do. What should i do?" song all day long (usually she simply says, "Jump" alternated at times by "Dance" every time i start crooning my famous lines). even my dad has decided to take a trip out of the country and leave me to my plight for the coming 2 months. and then he's sending me packing from this island once he gets back. :'(

its hard having a bee in your bum (yes, bum not bonnet) and then having to sit all day with nothing to do.

and what makes all this even more daunting is the fact that, results pending, i'm done with my College degree. hence this vacation is turning out to be all the more excruciating as i have absolutely nothing to go back to. earlier it used to be back to school. then it was back to high school and then back to college. but this time around the most likely scenario is as follows:

flying to India...finding a job...studying for CAT/GMAT...MBA...better job...better money...etc

and the list just keeps on adding on and on. i've always lived according to a long term plan, and right now things do seem pretty 'in place' for me. but what is nagging me right now is the absolute absence of any short term plans to keep myself motivated enough to get out of bed. i've even tried remaining in bed all day long, but trust me it's a damn hard thing to do when you got no more books to read, no one to cuddle, you feel hungry and you need to shit.

i guess that my only means to salvation from my current predicament is in catching hold of brother Jake and making him sign me up for his research assistant program. i'm even willing to catch hold of random folks walking down the street and asking them all sorts of personal questions that relate to their faith in God, starting with, "Ahem, are you a Musilm? if yes, then please consider filling up this questionnaire. and if no, then have a nice day and no candies for you."

at least that would help me kill some time...annoy a lot of people...and gather a bit of experience conducting surveys for research purpose.

so what if that only keeps me busy for a week. i can always come complain to you folks about being bored and sing my song...

"I'm bored. I don't know what to do. Hu shu karu (what should i do)? i've read all my books. i read them twice. i saw that movie yesterday. and no i don't want to sleep. hu kantali gayo chu (i'm bored). i don't know what to do. there's nothing on TV. it's too hot to go outside & sometimes its raining too. So now what do i do? i cleaned my room in the morning, ave hu shu karu (now what do i do). I'm bored. what should i do?...


...and don't tell me to jump/dance....."

:)

it's all in a name...the legend of Nachiketa!!

lately the vacations and the flu combined together have given me ample time & as a result i have picked up on reading 'the namesake' by Jhumpa Lahri (i.e. when i'm not messing around with my blog template and yelling at the cat and bellowing out orders to my hapless sister). so here's an interesting extract from the book that sets the mood for the rest of the post:

"Names can wait. in India parents take their time. it wasn't unusual for years to pass before the right name, the best possible name, was determined. besides there are always pet names to tide one over. in Bengali the word for pet name in daknam, meaning literally the name by which one is called by family, friends and other intimates at home and in other private, unguarded moments. pet names are persistent remnant of childhood, a reminder that life is not always so serious, so formal, so complicated. they are a reminder, too, that one is not all things to all people. every pet name is paired with a good name, a bhalonam, for identification in the outer world. good names tend to represent dignified and enlightened qualities. pet names have no such aspirations."

while dwelling on the subject of names, it does become imperative that i remind all my readers that the above extract couldn't be any closer to the truth. for us Bengalis, names are a very important part of life. well not just because they determine our identity to the world (which is so very obvious. and yes, none of us would ever want the name Gaylord Focker). names are in a sense a link to our culture and family. it's a tradition for the eldest in the family to name the new born. it's supposed to be a life long blessing to the child and is a right that is never challenged. i too was named by my grandfather.

it is often that i wonder what was going through the mind of my grandfather while he decided on a name for me. that's something that i shall never know. but one thing is for sure. i love my name. Nachiketa.

the name Nachiketa itself is borrowed from the Katha part of the original ten Upanishads. composed approximately between B.C. 800 and 400 the Upanishads are in essence the basis of the Vedanta philosophy & it's only appropriate that my name traces its origin to the most ancient of the texts of Hindu theology. the original authors of the Upanishads are not known but it is believed that they belong to the Shruti literature and are the utterances of sages who spoke from the fullness of their illumed experiences and who dispense knowledge as a means of spiritual enlightment.

so here's the story behind my name.

...............................................................

Nachiketa is the name of a sage in the Katha Upanishad, a part of the Yajur Veda. the Katha Upanishad is the most philosophical of all the Upanishads that forms the basis of discussion on the connection between the individual soul (the atman) and God. the the one thing that distinguishes Nachiketa from all other sages and rishis is that he was only a lad when he attained his knowledge from his teacher, Yama (the God of Death) himself.

the story states that Nachiketa's father, Aruni by name, while conducting the Vishvajit Yagya (a sacrificial ceremony) was giving away his possessions as alms to the brahmins when the young Nachiketa asked him, "Father, to whom will you give me?" enraged by such questions Aruni turned to Nachiketa and said, "I give you to Yama (the God of Death)." Aruni immediately realized his error and was aghast at having done so. but the since the offering was made over the sacred sacrificial fire there was no way of turning back, Nachiketa insisted; and as he left his home and walked towards the abode of Yama in keeping with his father's words he couldn't help wondering about the fragility and impermanence of God's greatest gift, life.

it is not clearly mentioned as to how Nachiketa reached the abode of Yama, Yamalya. but what is mentioned is that when he reached Yamalya, Yama was not at his residence and hence he had to wait outside. Nachiketa waited outside for 3 days without food or water. when Yama finally returned he was both, surprised and shocked, on seeing the still 'alive' young boy at his doorstep. as a token of repentance for his lapse in hospitality that had made the boy wait for 3 days without food or water at his doorstep, Yama granted Nachiketa three boons (wishes).

for his first wish Nachiketa asked for the reunification with his family back on earth and liberation of his ancestors and descendants. his second wish was to be given the knowledge behind the meaning of the sacred sacrificial fire and its significance. pleased by the boy's quest for knowledge Yama granted the two boons immediately and also blessed him saying that from that day onwards the sacrificial fire would be known as the 'Nachiketa fire'.

it was the third wish that took Yama by surprise and the subsequent dialogue between them forms the basis of the philosophical discourse in the Katha Upanishad. for his third wish Nachiketa asks Yama,

"When a man dies there is some doubt: some say 'he exists' and others say "he does not" this I would like to know the truth. and since you are the perfect one/person to ask, the answer to this question this is the final boon I would like from you."

when faced with such a question Yama initially tried to divert Nachiketa by offering him all sorts of worldly possessions and even heaven itself. but Nachiketa was adamant on his quest for knowledge about death and immortality and finally Yama had to concede the knowledge of 'afterlife' to the young boy.

...............................................................

so my name traces its roots to the story of a young lad and his quest for knowledge which culminates into a spiritual and philosophical debate that forms the basis of Hinduism.

sometimes one has to wonder as to why we Indians associate one's name to one's future. cause how otherwise was my grandfather to know that his infant grandson would indeed be someone with a taste for the spiritual and philosophical later on in life. maybe it's in my blood. maybe it's my 'karma'.

i am not 'too' spiritualistic or philosophical. not to the extent that i sit and ponder about the meaning of life and death. but i do like to believe that there is definitely more than that just meets the eye. Buddha once said that true awakening can only come from self contemplation and that everything was linked to each other.

"you exist because the leaf exists and the leaf exists because you exist."

i like that. :)

rummaging through old stuff...and behold!!

lately i have been going through my stuff quite a bit. it's amazing all the oddities that one manages to accumulate over the course of time. in three years on this island i've ended up with the following seemingly useless junk that means a lot to me (there's a million other things but they don't have any value what-so-ever, like this 3 inch iron nail. yeah where did that come form??).

• an empty bottle of Powerrade (Naartjie flavour) that the South African bru's passed on to me.
• a DVD of the Italian movie 'La Dolce Vita'...thanks to dear pal Udhin and yes, i don't speak Italian.
• a Bengali rock band CD from Nafiz (now that i can have some use of since i do speak Bengali).
• a snorkelling mask by Wolfy (and i cannot swim. not yet).
• quite a few books, most of which came from Heathcoat.
• a tiny glowing magnetic Guitar from my mom. i really have no idea what to do with that but i love it.
• and the pick of the lot is this old scrap book full of my earlier writings that i came across while rummaging through my room. i had absolutely forgotten about it.

i like to read my old stuff and compare it with my newer writings and see how i have evolved as a writer and a person over time. that's why i'm keeping all my old junk. it reminds me of who i was and shows me how far i have come.

anyways, here a snippet from the scrap book...

a friend once gave me a list of words and challenged me to come up with some thing in an hour using the listed words. amazingly i still had the list and the subsequent effort of mine in my scrap book. here's what i came up with (the words are listed at the end).

.From Words.

it's a silent & black night as i reflect upon my very life.
the windows lashed by the rain, a storm rages outside
just like the one welling up inside.
it wasn't pretty, but that's how it was
cause after all that's who i was.

all along i've lived in a haze,
my feelings morbid inside of me.
but suddenly tonight they surge forward
and even if death came it would be too late,
cause all my life i've searched for solitude
but tonight i'm all alone.

what was it that i always wanted?
just a hope.
to escape from this world submerged in emptiness,
but maybe even this was too much .

cause here i am, crying and pathetic
battered and raped by the hatred that only this macabre world can invoke.
i lie in my own vomit and blood
still no tears will ever emerge.

though i've been hurt, i'm not defeated.
and even as the moon spreads its silver pale far into the night
alone in my melancholy, i can see the dawn of a new day.

a day where this cruel and apathetic world is but a forgotten nightmare,
when the scars from the past no longer remain in the pure light.
and all this pain will not be in vain.

i've been waiting to see such a day emerge right before my eyes,
and only for this
i will survive.

the word list: rape, crying, alone/solitude, tears, black, moon, vain, waiting, blood, fed up, death, hope, escape, submerged, haze, macabre, hatred, fright, apathy, pathetic, melancholy, vomit, hurt, empty, defeated, past, pure, rain, scar, emptiness, cruel, world.

(the words in italic are the ones that i missed out on. but apart from that i consider it a pretty decent if not a frightening effort that just goes on to show that one need not be fed up of life to write such bad poetry).

needless to say, i won the bet.

:)