talking with Ghosty...

guess that it is that time again when i make some efforts to validate my presence in the all encompassing blogger ville. for most of the 'time', i somehow manage to live life in a blur that always makes it impossible for me to sit down and pen my thoughts down. i think. i think a lot. that's for sure and i also want to say everything i think and yet want none of my more sombre and the deepest thoughts of mine to be seeping out of my mind; and yet, i want to be heard. i tend to be impossible. i know that.

i read your post Ghosty and felt the knife run deep into the flesh and also felt the pain that follows the wounding. it's a funny wound this one. there is no blood and there is no scar. but it sure feels like an unknown knife cutting straight through you. can't say that i understand you or that i feel your pain. neither can i have any claims to any sympathy or pity for you my brother. after all your pain is your's only, all i have is mine. and that is my only claim to anything. and these are my words to parallel those of yours. i can be very silly at times. i know that.

***

you say...

"they are too stuck in their dimensions of right and wrong that they pretend not to know. Because I have been bad to hide my true self. I need this, everyone needs a shield to protect themselves"

...i say, this is the one thing that i have tried unsuccessfully so far to make the people around me understand the most. especially the ones i love the most, cause with them i am the harshest. it's not that i enjoy being so, and nor is it because i am genetically built to be a 'sadistic chauvinistic selfish bastard with a conscience that runs as deep as the shallowest pool'. no it is definitely not for these reasons. you want to figure out my behavior then know that i am afraid of these people the most. for they can hurt me the most.

i am most vulnerable to the ones i love. they have hurt me in the past. they will hurt me in the future. but in most cases i will learn to forget and forgive the pain, that much i know for sure.

agreed, that for them i would do anything, absolutely anything. but then there will be times when i will shut out the entire world and act in a manner that is absolutely incomprehensible to them. but that is simply because i need to do that. i need my space to brood and sulk over my pain in order to overcome it and learn to move on. respect that fact and don't push me to do things that i do not want to or tell me things that even i know, but can't help. keep your words, just give me a bar of chocolate when the time comes.


you say...

"I want to live and do something, I don't want to live and waste everything. I can survive with a glass of water and some bread. I don't need pity because for all I knew, I did not get a genuine one. I am human and I know what pain is. I have scars that no one can heal. My deal with God is my path in life to either live it or loose it all."


...i say, life for me is all about perspectives. i like to see things from different perspectives and give the other a chance apart from my own 'point of view notion'. i was different before. i used to be a self indulgent go-getter who was hell bent upon getting whatever he wanted. success was not an option. i was the best and i knew it. i made myself infallible. everything had to be my way. i was a class A asshole. now at least i am somewhat more human. i have learned that even i can fail. i must fail. failure gives you a much more humbler view of life that is much needed. i have learned to walk towards my goals instead of running blindly in a mad rush; and i am actually quite enjoying my leisurely pace. life is much kinder this way. both to me and to others.

i have learned to adapt and to compromise. but only for myself. i can survive on the proverbial 'bread and water', but i want to spoil the ones i care about. उनको तोह हम अपने पलको पर बीठा कर रखते है। cause i care about them.

***

"Blah!!"

ok, now i've finally had enough of all this drama (guess its time for a change of topic. so let's talk about my favorite topic, ME) . i often wonder what sort of a portrait this blog represents of my life...the drama's all there for sure, blown out of it's actual proportion by my indulgent mind, and a bit of the fun moments are injected as well...but most often than not, like i have said before. my life happens in between. the moments that go unmentioned. the things that i want to say, but am unable to. anyways, of late i have been feeling rather mixed. a bunch of myriad feelings. good and bad. mostly good. i am living a healthier life (yay! it's been 4 months since my last cigarette), i am better informed (considering the amount i have spent on books, i am also broke) and have a quaintly speculative attitude towards the 'greater' being (the philosophical and spiritual bug within me is itching).

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ran into my old mates yesterday. loved it. shied away from my more recent pals a few days back. couldn't help it.

***

have been working with mom for the last few days. came down to A'bad to see her and to spend some time with her and ended up staying and taking a look at her work. liked it, so ended up staying a bit longer and actually lent a hand as well. her work is amazing. she is an amazing woman committed to an incredible ideal. wish i could spend some more time with her and travel along with her. i love you mom. you know that and that is why i am going to indulge in this little bit of shameless advertisement on your behalf.

my mom's work...albeit just some of it. take a look.

***

also have stolen this from you Ghosty. online polls.

DO IT!!

the modern man, as seen by the shoe rack...

...consider for once the possibility of being able to sit back and take a look at life from the perspective of an ashtray!

or maybe from the images that the mute dust accumulating vase sees from it's perch atop the shoe rack; the shoes, that are being painted copper-gold by the room-mate amidst peels of jeering and laughter from the rest of us; the basket that hangs from the wall, which we have deliberately neglected to clean so that the spiders may nest and build their mesmerizing webs that filter the faint yellow rays of the lamp that nests smugly within that basket. the twisted metal wire scooter that somehow ended up by the bedpost; the books that make love to the dust that permeates each and every spot including the bookshelf. wonder how they would be seeing things? knowing us for what we do in our day-to-day life. seeing us the way we are when not facing the world. when we are happy. when we are sad. when we are lonely. when we are partying. when we are wasted. when we are ecstatic. when we are asleep. would they judge us?

"if and when Judgment Day arrives, i'd personally rather have them judge me. no man or woman shall or can judge me. but the lamp in my living room and the book by my bed, well, they most certainly can!"

***

had a small quip at jabbering with a few folks a while back. something to do with the consciousness of modern man and Modernity itself. i mean, when does Modernity begin? Wallace believes the concept to have emerged around the middle ages in Europe. Foucault thinks it is only about 500 years old.

but the one thing that sort of comes to mind was the whatever it was that was the idea of Modernity, it was a very Eurocentric view to the world that discarded everything non-European, calling them barbaric, savage and ignorant.

but then this brings us to the concept of rupture and religion in Modernity, it's utopian as well as dystopian views and it's definition as per Webber. Benjamin quoted a "loss of aura" when he conformed the ideologue called Modernity; the entire Christendom ruptured at it's seams and tore itself into two halves with the Protestant movement, and much later came back together to collectively confront Nietzsche heralding the "Death of God". we dragged in a lot of the well known hearsays of the yesteryears. Foucault with his belief in discourse as the basis of modernity would have been impressed. Leotard would have called us a bunch of incompetent fools attempting to justify the synthesis of the 'Grand Narrative' that is modernism to the 'Micro or Polite Narratives' of post-modern era. Keats would have embraced us with open arms as fellow Romantics. most others would have called us book reading idiots with too much time on our hands. in any case, it was fun that day. but if i were to say what i have to say on Modernity, then once again it becomes a matter of perspectives. when confronting modernity against us, modernity is simply a question of the identities that we give to ourselves and the world around us. the perspectives to modernity are limitless. they are as infinite as the knowledge that we possess. the more we know the more it approaches infinity. perspectives to our self identity. who am i? what am i?

"i think therefore i am." ~ Descartes

...i am a modern man.