Wednesday, February 18, 2009

unlocking some doors...

...memories are a key into the past. sometimes, i step back and forget to keep the door ajar. i get locked in into the past and then there are times when i loose the key and become locked out, unable to reach inwards and connect with all that i left behind. i do not intend to do so. i am just bad with handling keys. i just happen to loose them every now and then.

and then sometimes it takes a storm out of nowhere to come and knock down the door and unleash the flood of old memories and emotions that completely engulf me and drown me. the rapid motion of the sudden surge completely paralyzing my body that had long given up trying to struggle and swim away. only the eyes are the last portal of spontaneity, of realization. and then i drown. slowly. deeper into the abyss.

my last words caught in the last gasp for air that violently bubbles up towards the surface only to remain unsaid forever. my last "sorry" & my last "i love you"; are but bubbles in the flood. insignificant. lost. inconsequential.

there are quite a few people who are locked up behind the doors. people who mattered to me more than everything. people with whom, over the course of time, i drifted away. i locked them in. yes, i did it! i had to. the reason for this is not justifiable enough to anyone except myself.


Sudha Ma'm passed away on the 1st of February 09 due to cancer.
and with her passed away the curious 16 year old whom she taught the basics of economics and logic and directed him on a journey that has taken me half way around the world and into my brain. with her passed away the boy who would excitedly devour any book in his path cause he wanted to go discuss it and turn it over with his teacher. with her passed away a son, who loved her like a mother despite not being related to her in any other way except for a book and a classroom.

i walked onward in life trying to satiate the curiosity that she had honed to such levels that 'looking back' was never an answer for the fear of being held back. years later over those rare time-snatched phone calls it would always be a quaint "how are you son?", never was i told how she was. it was impermissible, to know that she was not fine or that she desired something more from her student, her son. a mother never demands. even if it is time and a phone call. or maybe she never did expect anything back in return. and then sometime, somehow, she was locked in on the other side.

the day before yesterday, the doors were smashed open by an innocuous enough little offline message. it took some time for the mind to register the surge that was coming. and then it hit.

i just have to say this. to all the people whom i love. i know that i can be incorrigible enough to not keep in touch. i know that i get so caught up in life, that i hardly spare time or the effort to reach out and say the things that i have to say. i get hurt and then i lock myself on the other side of the door. that is how i function. and i am not proud of how distant i can become, but i have no regrets for who i am. but i understand the consequences of my actions and i live with them no matter what. i drown to the deepest depths of the abyss. i re-emerge and walk ever onwards.

i just want to say that "i love you" and that "i am sorry" for all the times when i have not been the person that you have wanted me to be. but i am getting there.


the current song in the background is 'You're Beautiful' by James Blunt. there are memories associated with that as well. its just one more lost key to a locked door. but this is the one door i don't want opened. i am not strong enough to face the surge. and there will be no resurrection.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Valentine's Day Blues!! yes, blues and not reds...

okies! i survived through today!'s the customary Valentine's Day post. no 'actual single' date for the 4th consecutive year running. either i am loosing my touch or i am jinxed or plain ol' lucky! you take your pick.

so i have been penning down stuff over the past couple of days. blogville has been pretty active this 'love' season and they have made me come out of my writer's block and go nuts!

but first,

new hair cut!! new hair cut! gone are the long messy wavy locks...


this one is influenced by none other than d'Rat! crazy woman, you got me all inspired and tapping and singing. love ya! chaddis and all are fine,
but i am still without a Valentine!
so i guess i am going to stick to my sorry tune,
anyways most people think i am a crazy loon.
my cards and gifts are to be taken with Asprin,
only cakes are something for which i would kill.
amazing women and good food are pretty fine,
but that ain't reason for me to get a Valentine?
a bottle of Rum and an ol' quirky song,
the cat on the ceiling and me in a thong!
singing and dancing and jiving to my quirky song.
dude, St Valentine, you can join in too,
and all you women, "yeah, i love you too!"
but this Valentine ain't going to be no different
and i ain't going nowhere, and i'm still here
so unless you call me and sing me a different song,
i shall keep hoarsing my voice in this quirky song!...


and these two were pulled out by d'Gypsy and her intense posts over the last couple of days.

red was the color of the plucked petal
red was the stain smeared on the page
red was the heart that beat for it,
red was the blood that it's thorns drew.

red was the sun in setting that night.
the fragrance of the red rose,
coloring her dreams red too.

cause red was the color tainted by the rose.

but, faint was the smile on her red lips
upon beholding the red rose.


the silence shall unravel my desires.
the needs of a carnal being
one by one seeping away.
to see you
to caress you
to kiss you
the addicted mind seeks a way.

the fear of not having you
worse than cold decay.
and i'd rather walk a million miles naked.

to have known you
was my sin, my vice,
the redemption now sought each day.
& fantasies fueled by unrequited desires,
beg to have never known you.

but i 'do' know you,
& i would go back and change time;
only to see you
only to caress you
only to kiss you
& to know you all over again.


...went traversing across the town. took my camera along. and here are a few clicks from today!

the girls at the Uni!! the 'Mata Sita Sena'.

love is in the air! once again, at the Uni... :)

coffee house mushiness...

sweet nothings...

the only indulgence of the day...

my hot date!

my cute date!

this is how the cat spent Valentines the best way possible.

my new books!! love ya Ghosty!! thanks bro...


someone stopped by at the apartment to see cat. i'm hoping that was an excuse. either ways, its a good thing that the cat and his inherent cuteness and shyness necessitates much more than a single visit. so even if she did come to actually see cat, she has to come back again and again!

...i, of all the people, am wicked! ;)

Monday, February 09, 2009

networking the net...

okay then...

...the thing with having a name like mine is that it does tend to become a bit ambiguous at times. especially in a country like India, where the phonetic structure of the name basically determines the gender of the bearer. i have lived my 23 years and more with the inevitable massacre of my 'Bengali' name here in Gujarat (and no, i am not speaking of the 'accent-kill' that various people all over the world have subjected me to)...

i love my name. people love misspelling it, mispronouncing it and un-genderizing it. but then, we all think its pretty cool.

the other thing is that, Facebook and Orkut are pretty swell! i mean, hello!! i managed to trace down all of my short list of 'long lost' buddies and give them a fair share of my 'abuses' thanks to such networking sites. in return i have received umpteen friend requests from people who i believe, know me. i generally suffer from brain freeze in memory terms when it comes to remembering all the many people i happen to run in to. so i follow a simple principle, "if you happen to know a fair amount of the people i 'do' remember running into, then maybe i do know you."

...only recently have i learnt, how mistaken i can be.

life and people subject me to certain 'gems' of humorous incidents from time to time. my experiences with my name is one of my all time favorite. the networking sites too have a fair share of humor to offer. and here is one such example of them both combined...

(credit goes to d'Rat and her recent post for reminding me of this little gem i had tucked away somewhere on my harddisk awaiting a blog mention)


(7:45pm) Harsh: hi

(7:47pm) Nachi: hey!

(7:48pm) Harsh: wassup?

(7:48pm) Nachi: nothing, home

(7:48pm) Harsh: wat else?

(7:48pm) Nachi: nothing!

(7:49pm) Harsh: commited?

(7:49pm) Nachi: eh?

(7:49pm) Harsh: why eh? hello! u there?

(7:51pm) Nachi: committed in what sense?

(7:51pm) Harsh: having bf? hmm..........

(7:54pm) Harsh: slept?

(7:55pm) Nachi: tell me one good reason why i should have a bf??

(7:56pm) Harsh: not 2 get bored! :):)

and secondly for having quenched ur thirst

(7:57pm) Nachi: hmm, and what in the world is wrong with the women of the world, that i must go find a guy???

(7:57pm) Harsh: just to get satisfied....say....

(7:59pm) Harsh:

(7:59pm) Nachi:
so you mean to say that, in order to get satisfied i must change my preferences from women to men and get myself a bf?? hmmm...not sure i agree with that! i like me women, and so far i have no reason to complain otherwise


(8:00pm) Harsh:
i hope u r not lesbi** ...then u must get a guy of ur type

(8:01pm) Nachi: hemm, okies...i guess i must clarify certain misconceptions here my dear friend...forget lesbi!! i am a guy!!

i guess you got the gender confused here mate!!

lolz!! :P:P

(8:01pm) Harsh: haha

nice way 2 joke

(8:01pm) Nachi:

(8:01pm) Harsh:

i knew it

(8:02pm) Nachi: nice going man!! you are so desperate that you are hitting on another guy!! OMG

(8:02pm) Harsh: but just doing tp (read: time pass)

(8:04pm) Nachi:
yeah right...cover your ass now buster...made the mistake and now saying it was tp

saala didn't know you were flirting with a guy!!

what a bummer!!


(8:05pm) Harsh:
hey u f**ker

i saw ur profile b4 i started chatting okay

so better get those words back into ur own a**....

(8:07pm) Nachi:
lolz!! saw the profile and still were desperate enough to make the move! sheesh mate! you sure are having one long dry spell, eh?


(8:13pm) Harsh:
no man just cracking holes...

(8:16pm) Nachi:
yeah right!! now that i have a jack hammer up your's you are all so willing to say that you knew it all along...go bum someone else mate!!

you are not getting out of this shit hole that you have dug yourself into...

(8:17pm) Harsh:

(8:17pm) Nachi:

(8:17pm) Harsh:
not so true

(8:17pm) Nachi: dude you are so messed up!!


(8:18pm) Harsh:
LMLM beta.....ACEP

fine nachi or nagi? wat do u call it?

(8:19pm) Nachi:
?? is that the best you can do mate?? no wonder you are still single and desperate...


you know what man?? i gotta thank really...its been a long time since someone has made me laugh so much with their stupidity!!

dude, you one of a kind, eh!


(8:22pm) Harsh:
ya thanks for ur comment and u shud thank me too for the laugh


(8:23pm) Nachi:
i already am mate!! thats what i said. thank you for making me laugh with your stupidity and desperation..

(8:23pm) Harsh:

(8:24pm) Nachi:
now if you didn't understand that, then i guess that i know why you made the mistake of thinking i am a girl despite all the evidence are one dumb fella who can't understand the language, can you?

(8:24pm) Harsh:
u type so much dude.......have u got 20 fingerS?

if u have finished wid ur MC notes then we will talk

(8:25pm) Nachi:
talk with a guy who is desperate enough to hit on other guys by make-believing that they are thanks! i think i have had my share of laughter for the day...

(8:26pm) Harsh:
okay then f**k-off

(8:26pm) Nachi: the next time i feel like laughing..i shall get back to you


cheers mate...and good luck with finding a real (R.E.A.L) girl

may the dry spell end soon for you..or else, God only save us all other men!!




what can i say! sometimes the wonders never cease...and yes, i have not chatted with Mr.Harsh ever since...something tells me he is avoiding me like the plague!


Monday, February 02, 2009

dear Nachi, get well soon...

...this past weekend was bad. at least it started off badly enough...and all i have to show for my labours is the following pictures (go check them all out at the photo blog).


also, attended my first proper funeral this weekend. saw how the death of a loved one utterly destroys even the most resilient and the strongest of people.
someone else's anguish almost made me cry and for once i hated death from the very depths of my heart.

the lone leaf. always alone in death.


stole something from a beautiful friend. told her i'd give it back. i intend to keep my word. tomorrow i will return what is her's.


i sped onwards. i fell. i hurt...i picked myself up and walked on. i am healing.


i celebrated life and friendship and the things that remind me that life is indeed good despite the pain. i had fun! cause the one thing that i am genuinely good at is having fun. and cake. and more cake. actually 3 cakes..