Monday, January 28, 2008

the chained elephant...

i am in transit. i am in motion. it reminds me of the time when under the influence of a hazy smoky fog, i felt like the ocean. the ripples mesmerizing me with their gradual outbreak on a journey to the shore line. the last couple of days have been cold. and i have been laying there feeling my thoughts as if they were as real as the cold that bites through the skin and flesh and chills you to the bones.
"there is a feeling of deep satisfaction and yet, somehow there lingers a faint doubt that is enough to encourage the demon of dissatisfaction."
i have been quite vague and eclectic and irrational in my words of late...but they are simply constructs. they would be more understandable if only i managed to look beyond the barricade that i have built around myself. but i am content. i like the feel of being safe within my construct, how-so-ever 'unreal' they might be. but then i am constantly questioning myself as well. i want to know what lies beyond. i want to get out of the walls and take a plunge into the ocean. but i don't know how to swim. but i love the water.

i am confused. i am determined.

draw parallels.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

why sleep?

i'm wondering what is it that prompts me to sit here at almost half past one in the morning, awaiting the insanely slow internet connection to finally load the page; while Ani is in one of her 'paint all night long phases' and brandishing the paint brush despite the excruciating pain of a cervical nature; when all other reason has failed to shut my eyelids in a drowsy stupor amidst the cosy comfort of my bed and the warm blanket eagerly awaiting me at home; the smell of the 'made ages ago' popcorn lingering in the air; the book begging to be read to the completion of it's climax, but at the same time nested atop the bag just beyond the reach of my arm; with the only recourse for my tired and restless being faltering between continuing to type on the keypad or throw my head back and continue gazing at Ani working with her paints; sitting; thinking; dreaming; wishing; wondering why. yes why indeed?
Ankita is fast asleep in her room. wonder what she is dreaming about?
...there are times when i know not why i do what i do and why i continue to do so despite knowing that what i do is something that doesn't rattle well with my 'at times' logical and rational brain that seems to be easily superseded by irrational, illogical fantasies that stem from the smell of the musty pages of the books that i have read and continue to read one by one and at times quite a few together as well; reading between the lines, making up my own stories that are at times different from what the author wishes to tell; different in the way i read it, but similar in essence; knowing that this is but a feeble excuse on my part; wondering what i would say to myself the next day when again my 'logical brain' takes control of my thoughts; fearing the chastising that i would give myself, despite knowing that the seemingly drugged infused state of my mind shall and it's disparate ramblings would once again come to the fore; and once again push me into the libido state of not knowing why.

there are times when i want to know why. but then most of the times i am seemingly content without knowing the reason behind everything. nothing needs reason. everything need not have a reason. you take what you get. you give what they take. you ask why. you do not ask why. you ramble on. you walk on. you keep moving on. you make choices. you live with their consequences. you live on. one day at a time. one moment at a time. life moves on and takes you along...
but sometimes all you need to do is sleep.

Friday, January 18, 2008

a pig's life...

it sure feels great to wake up in the morning with a definite sense of purpose to the day. yes, it is a good thing to be certain about your life. :) so, today was a big day in terms of "i wanna do this and this and this". and in the end i ended up doing pretty much nothing and still be pretty much content...

"staying indoors and wasting time online and chowing down on Fresh Strawberry & Cream Cake' is pretty satisfying! i'm finding my own path to Nirvana!"
*** Dodo is gone! :'( di flew back to Dubai last night with my dodo. now i don't know what to do. there is no one to yelp and meow and chatter and make monkey sounds and say "mamu mamu" early in the morning. no one to come to me and say, "उठा उठा" (pick me up, ooo pick me up), whenever i say "गुन्दी" (gundi). *sigh. the only consolation is that in the last month or so i have managed to inculcate and encourage enough mischievousness in my dodo to give di a headache back in Dubai. my nice shall do me proud. :)


Ahmedabad international airport is insane. especially at 2 am. someone should sue the AAI for putting passengers to such lengths of inconvenience and harassment.


in other things, i shall be going back to Baroda on sunday. it's been over a month since i've managed to keep my arse in that town. my department head is pretty chilled and couldn't care less about my absence. i like him. my friends on the contrary are not. my flat mate is irked that there is no one to do the dishes past midnight in my absence. but i needed this break. i needed to be away from Baroda for a while. i needed a different perspective towards things. i needed to connect with my extended family. i needed to appreciate what i had and not worry about all that i did not. i needed to realize that life is good. even though the "i wish it could be like this" thoughts about certain things and people are seemingly so perfect that why they are not so is absolutely illogical; and the truth is they are not happening so. i needed to remind myself that wishful thinking and hoping despite all odds is the way to live life. now i need to go back to Baroda. to face life again as it is.


today i didn't feel like taking a bath. i wanted to remain a pig today. today was my pigu day. but i was forced to take a bath. Anu di threatened me with severe consequences (i.e. holding my Fresh Strawberry and Cream Cake over the dustbin and threatening to throw it in) unless i took a bath. so i finally took a bath. now i am no longer a pig.

हम सूवर ना रहे , हमारा सूव्र्पना धुल गया
(i am no longer a pig, my piguness got washed away)
गर्म पानी से धुलके हम सूवर से इंसान बन गए
(i have become a human from a pig after getting washed in warm water)
मगर फीर सूवर बनने की आष अब भी हमारे दील में है
(but i still have the hope of being a pig someday in my heart)

...don't ask. i am in a weird mood. just laugh at my stupidity and laziness and forget about it ASAP.

talking of pigs, here's some pearly wisdom for all.

  • so much for all the temptations in my life! i always knew that someone was in fact out to get me!

  • and ahem!


Thursday, January 17, 2008

a musical interlude to the celebrations...

3 years ago on this very day, i stepped into Bloggerville...the intent at that time, considering that i am a very very bad e-mailer, was to create a platform and space wherein i could keep all my friends and family members sitting in different corners of a circular globe sort of informed on the happenings of my life & be a source of personal insight into my thoughts (like an evolutionary map of myself & my writings) & project my perspective of life and it's humor in a tangible manner. yeah, i know, i had pretty idealistic origins to my blog. but then, somewhere along the road my blog became what it is today...a place where i put up a lot of humbug and bullsh*t depending upon the flavor of humor possessing me at the moment and an extension to the wide wide world (www) and all the amazing people who inhabit it and i have become friends with over time.
in short, it's been an amazing 3 years. and i am in no mood to put an end to something that i enjoy so here's a toast to my blog on it's Birthday wishing it a very very long and merry journey ahead!!
anyways, have been roaming around town with my ipod stuck in my ears all here's one of my favorite songs straight from the playlist.


and a few dedications for all my dearest friends and fellow bloggers...

and one for you Ghosty.

for you and you only, my super sexy Keshi.

for the indomitably spirited and inspirational Susanne.

something for the South African bru.

for Rhythm, the dental saw wielding sister o' mine.

for you, my gorgeous Ani.

and a special something for all the other members of Bloggerville.


i know, i know...i am the best!


Wednesday, January 16, 2008

i, the Black...

life is all about perspectives. we see things the way we want to see them. and we do the same with people as well. no, i am not always positive and cheery. i am at times brooding and deary. and when i get up on the 'wrong side of the bed' i am not white, nor gray, no shades in between or any color whatsoever...
i am pure and simple black.
...and i am not ashamed of it. but like anything human, i wish to go against what is but nature, my nature, the way that i am. i wish to change.

my 'black' nature was the matter of discussion last night. i was told i am unpredictable. i was told i put the opposite person in a dilemma with my silence. i was told i can be cold and inconsiderate, almost heartless. and i replied, "all that i am. and maybe more so with the ones i care about and love the most. but i do not enjoy being so."


i miss my sister. it's been far too long since i've seen her. she is still a kid and she needs her elder brother. 'she says so'. i have always been her shield against anything that tries to hurt her. but i have been selfish. i have put miles and miles of distance between us in my pursuit of 'my academics, a career, happiness and life'. but the truth is, maybe i need her more than she needs me. she is the unrealized and unappreciated silent strength behind my overtly vocal being. she is my opposite. she is white.
"only that i never say so."

Saturday, January 12, 2008

if ever you need me to commit a crime...

We all have a price. that one quantifiable figure that determines the cost of our souls. those who argue otherwise are lying. the devil has always managed to divulge into the darkest corners of our minds and hearts and fathom what is it that tempts us. for the so called higher echelon of us humans it is the desire for salvation that corrupts. and for the larger but more simple lower order, it is a materialistic world, and materialistic desires. Faust & Dorian both sold their souls, the people of Gujarat sold their conscience in 2002, Quattarochi & the Government sold the nations security, America sold war and hate. we have all been selling. it's a simple trading/bartering world. and we are all sellers. the price just has to be right!

anyways, back to my materialistic desires, fantasies and gluttony...

...all right then, here are a few things that you can always use to bribe me with!

item # 1: for the corrupt person who dwells in my heart, get him a custom built bike that looks something like this.

item # 2: to have me roped in to a technologically detailed scam, would require an Alienware gaming PC. now this is true synthesis of beauty and performance in the digital age.

item # 3: this one is 'the' bribe. something for which i'd sell my neighbour's soul. i'm pretty much fantasizing when it comes to this particular list item. but depending upon the crime to be committed, the bribe hovers between either one or both! (ps: i come across as an incorrigible, seemingly women objectifying chauvinist pig with this one, i know! but why shouldn't i be?)


item # 4: is it's about breaking the law in 'world's wildest police videos' showdown. get me piss drunk! so that i don't remember what i did. so there is no guilt involved the next day after the crime is committed. and the best way to do so is to get me some...


item # 5: chocolates are also pretty much highly rated as viable bribing material when it comes to little day-to-day matters (such as making you breakfast/coffee). so two of my all time favorites would be...

item # 6: And then there's always this. hey, after all i am a pretty low maintenance guy. so if you can bake the perfect Apple pie i am all your's! ;) what is it that you would kill for??? ;)

Monday, January 07, 2008

deciphering the 'goo-goo', 'ga-ga' and everything else that a baby says...

having a baby come step in to your immediate environment can lead to the popping up of strange and funny occurrences in the otherwise natural order of daily life. and hence things have been quite of the ordinary ever since my baby niece 'the dodo' aka 'gundi' aka Rushika has come to India.

its a well known fact that unlike most men, i somehow tend to immensely enjoy kids around me. the panicking followed by the
"oh my God, what do i do? why did God have to make kids?"
mantra-jap is something that eludes me. it's a pretty simple logical step-by-step manual to 'handling kids and babies' that has been pre-formated and saved into my brain. here's a few tips from the manual:
  1. if a baby (read as anything from birth till the age of 2 years. anything older than that can in most cases talk and tell you what they want or walk to the other available person if you happen to be deaf) is crying, then it is either that she/he is hungry or needs a diaper change or is bored outta it's mind and needs you to drop your work and act like a fool to entertain it.
  2. changing diapers is not that bad a job. it's way easier and less time consuming than having to put the baby to sleep. so make a deal with the mother/any one else around you to take up the 'sleep time' job while you bear 5 minutes of stinkin poo (oh come on fellas, most of us are used to dirty manual labor anyways).
  3. feeding a baby (anything apart from it's bottled milk) is the job only for the creatively inclined. you need to be able to make up stories and con the baby into eating what you are feeding it.
  4. once the child learns how to walk you need to be able to forecast the imminent manhandling of anything within the baby's reach and get ready to be on a 24x7 lookout for crashing disasters (and yes, the baby's safety too).
  5. you need to be careful about the language that you use and about your actions as well. the last thing you want is for the baby to walk around saying "F$#k!" & "S#*t!" in an adorable baby voice as it saunters around the world and for it to stick it's finger in it's nose while it's doing so.
  6. the baby being silent and unheard from for a span of time is signs that either the baby is neck deep in doing something he/she shouldn't be doing. or it is asleep without your knowing how and where, or it's lost (if so, then call the mother, grandmother, the entire family. launch a baby hunt and eventually find him/her immersed in former scenario).
  7. going to the gym does not mean that you are fit. the ultimate fitness regime is handling a baby. if you can manage to do so and somehow survive the day and still be able to cook dinner, feed the baby, change it and put it to sleep at the end of the day and then wind up your work to meet your deadlines, then you are at your fitness peak. stop wasting time and money on the gym. buy yourself some Asprin and the baby some baby-food with the money instead.
...the rest, just follow nature's selection criteria and learn as you go by. adapt to the scenario. it is quite a lot of fun handling a child. if nothing else works, go with the age old saying, "Boys will be boys!" and get in touch with the kid inside of you as you play with the child. it's way too much fun to miss.

ps: and yes, gals dig guys who can handle a baby. *wink wink*


Sunday, January 06, 2008

& the ranting continues...why oh why??

sometimes the strangest thing that you can do is to simply wake up in the morning and muster enough courage to pull yourself out from underneath the warm and cosy blanket and take the first step towards the forthcoming insanity of the day...and at other more fortunate times you simply stay in bed. why we do what we choose to do is the result of our own lazy, foolish, obstinate, 'mom (or wife or girlfriend)-threw-me-out-of-bed' reasons. which one you swear by is up to you.

there is a generally accepted point of view amongst the oldest and the best of my friends that of late i happen to be the most moody/eccentric and pricey jerk of the entire lot. things just don't happen the way they must happen (which in itself is a very questionable happening) when it comes to me being around. for starters, i have earned the dubious distinction of having ignored the 'looney bunch of pals since secondary school' for increasingly longer periods of time. secondly, it really does not help that i also happen to assign first priority to my family before i decide to hang out with them. i swear to God, they hate me for that and i sure get into the stinkiest pile of shit cause of it. still, i wouldn't have it any other way.

randomness aside, last night was the second night in a row that i spent partying with the pals. the day before yesterday evening was spent in a casual manner after a 8 month long hibernation on my part. last night was the mad house visit. so basically i got yelled at over the phone, picked up from the restaurant i was having dinner with my family from, drove to the Drive-in (open air) theater, uncork two bottles of booze and then end up half drunk at the 4 star hotel at 2 am hogging ourselves. finally crashed at Ronak's place around 4 am and then had to drag my arse outta bed at 8 to get to my Aunt's at the other end of the city in time for breakfast...little wonder that 'smoking up' wasn't too high on my list this afternoon.
and oh, by the way, I HAVE QUIT SMOKING! maybe that also counts. right?

anyways, had a pretty funny ride back home in the morning from Ronak's place in the rickshaw. the rickshawalla was a non-stop jabberwock who had made up his mind that it was his duty to enlighten me upon various topics of life in the city as it is and as it should be...what he said is a story for another post. this one is a random and feeble version of a rant post. so no stories.

and yes, have managed to get some stuff up on the photo blog and on exp. soup. so honk as you pass by if you like anything.


Thursday, January 03, 2008

a story...

i know this story about a little boy...

he was the happiest little boy in the whole world. he had a mommy who loved him very very very much and a daddy who loved him equally (he never figured out who loved him more). he had other wonderful little children as friends both at school and near home as well whom he loved very much. he was a bright little fellow who was always up to fun and mischief (or that's what his teachers told me) who simply never had enough of playing with all his friends all day long. he loved his friends and his friends loved him.

then one day his daddy called him aside to speak to him. he said,
"because you have been such a wonderful little boy who has always behaved the way he is supposed to, your mommy and I have decided to give you a little present. come outside and see what you have earned yourself."
the little boy was very excited and he ran out to see what was it that he 'had earned for being such a wonderful little boy'. Oh there it was! a bright new bicycle. it was a blue bicycle with a silver bell that rang 'tring tring tring'. the happiest little boy in the whole world was a lot more happier that day and all the days after that.

the little boy loved his new bicycle. he rode it to school everyday. he rode it back home from school everyday. he washed and cleaned his bicycle everyday. he rode it around the house everyday evening with all his other little friends. they took turns riding the bicycle and ringing the bell that went 'tring tring tring'.

then one day as the little boy was riding his bicycle to school he had an accident. he did not remember what happened. his mommy and daddy did not know what had happened. the doctors did not know how it happened. but it happened. and the little boy was hurt. he was hurt bad (at least that's what the doctors told me). the doctors told the little boy to stay at home for a long long time. his mommy told him that he could not go to school. his daddy told him he could not go out to play. the little boy was sad. the little boy was hurt. the little boy was in pain.

the days passed by one by one. the little boy waited and waited for the day when finally he would be allowed to go back to school. the day when finally his every evening question of, "can i go out and play with my friends?" would be answered in an affirmative. the little boy waited for the day he would be healed.

then one evening mommy came into little boy's room. she sat down next to little boy on his bed and hugged him. she said,
"tomorrow you will go to school. but there is one condition. you cannot ride your bicycle again. not tomorrow. not ever."
the little boy asked,
"but why mommy? i love riding my bicycle. i want to ride it everyday. to school. back from school and also in the evening with my friends."
to this all that mommy could say was,
"cause the doctor says so and we don't want you hurt again. that's why my wonderful dear son."
the little boy who was the happiest little boy in the world and a lot more happier despite being hurt and in pain was a little sad that day and all the days after. but he was excited. he was going back to school. he was going back to his friends.

the next day the little boy got up early in the morning. he got ready and went to school (in the school bus). in school the little boy was suddenly the center of all the attraction. the teachers were extra nice to him and all his friends surrounded him. they had missed him. he had missed them. they were happy that he was back. he was happy that he was back. they could all go back to playing all the games that they had played before the little boy was hurt (except riding the bicycle). the little boy played all day long that day in school. the little boy went back home and asked his daddy,
"can i go play outside with my friends?"
daddy said,
"yes, you may go. just be back in time for dinner."
the little boy was ecstatic. his friends were ecstatic. he played all evening long with his friends and came back in time for dinner.

but later that night the pain in the little boy's hurt came back. the little boy was in pain, but he didn't say a word to anyone. not to mommy. not to daddy. not even to God in his prayers. he wanted to go back to school. he wanted to go back to his friends. the next day he quietly got up and got dressed. he had his breakfast. kissed his mommy goodbye and went to school (again in the school bus). he went back to his friends and their games. he went back to what he loved.

the little boy did this everyday for a few days. he went to school and to play. and then every night the pain came back. the little boy could not sleep. the little boy was getting tired. the little boy was getting sick. the little boy did not know what to do. the little boy was torn and confused.

then one day the little boy's grandfather came to visit. he brought along so many presents. oh! was the little boy happy to see his grandfather or what? he stayed home that day. he did not go to school. he did not go to play. he stayed at home all day with his grandfather. that night the pain did not come. the little boy said a 'thank you' prayer and slept. the next day too the little boy did not go to school and to play. again the pain did not come back. once again the little boy said a 'thank you' prayer. the next day he went to school, but he just went and took his test and came back. he did not play. in the evening he did not go out to play. again the pain did not come back. this time the little boy lay in bed thinking.

now the little boy was a bright little boy (his teachers always said so). and so soon he figured out that every time he played with his friends the pain came back. he played in school the pain came back. he played in the evening outside his home, the pain came back. so the little boy decided not to play anymore. he was sad that he would not be able to play anymore with his friends, but he was also tired of hurting and being in pain all night. the little boy knew what he had to do.

the next day he went to school. but he did not play. his friends asked him why. he said that he was not feeling well. he came back home. in the evening he did not go to play. again his friends asked,
again he said that he was not feeling well. that night there was no pain. the little boy did the same the next day and the next and the next. he stopped playing. his friends kept on asking him,
"why won't you play with us anymore? don't you like us anymore or what?"
the little boy replied,
"i love you all the same but i can't play with you anymore. my hurt pains if i do so."
his friends replied,
"but that hurt was healed a long time ago. the doctors healed you. of course you can come play with us now. you are not our friend. you won't come play with us. you don't like us anymore. you are just making a story about being hurt and in pain."
the little boy didn't know what to say to that. how would he explain that the hurt was never really healed. somewhere deep down inside it was still raw and that the doctors could do nothing about it. mommy could do nothing about it. daddy could do nothing about it. on top he was healed, but underneath he was still hurt. he still felt the pain. so the little boy said nothing.

the little boy learned to read books instead of playing. he read a lot of books. he became a very smart and intelligent little boy. the pain never came back and the little boy could sleep at night. mommy and daddy were happy. the teachers were happy. they all thought that that little boy was growing up and learning new things. but the little boy was sad. he missed his friends. he missed playing.

his friends too missed him at first. for a long time they kept on coming to him and kept asking him to come play with them. but when he always said no, they soon began to stay away. they still came for his birthday party when invited by mommy and daddy, but things were no longer the same. the little boy was just 'a friend' and not 'the friend'. it was not the little children's fault. it was the little boy's fault. even though he still considered them as his friends he was the one who did not want to play anymore. he was the one who stayed at home and read books. little kids are supposed to be out playing with their friends. if they do not do so then they are not 'friends'. that is the simple rule of childhood. the little boy broke that rule.

...i do not know the end to the story. i'm sorry. but all i can say is that the little boy who broke the rule was not a good little boy. no. good little boy would not have broken the rule. good little boy would not have 'not played' with his friends. that is what bad little boy's do. yes, that's what he was;
"he was a bad little boy."