Wednesday, February 27, 2008

talking with Ghosty...

guess that it is that time again when i make some efforts to validate my presence in the all encompassing blogger ville. for most of the 'time', i somehow manage to live life in a blur that always makes it impossible for me to sit down and pen my thoughts down. i think. i think a lot. that's for sure and i also want to say everything i think and yet want none of my more sombre and the deepest thoughts of mine to be seeping out of my mind; and yet, i want to be heard. i tend to be impossible. i know that.

i read your post Ghosty and felt the knife run deep into the flesh and also felt the pain that follows the wounding. it's a funny wound this one. there is no blood and there is no scar. but it sure feels like an unknown knife cutting straight through you. can't say that i understand you or that i feel your pain. neither can i have any claims to any sympathy or pity for you my brother. after all your pain is your's only, all i have is mine. and that is my only claim to anything. and these are my words to parallel those of yours. i can be very silly at times. i know that.

***
you say...

"they are too stuck in their dimensions of right and wrong that they pretend not to know. Because I have been bad to hide my true self. I need this, everyone needs a shield to protect themselves"

...i say, this is the one thing that i have tried unsuccessfully so far to make the people around me understand the most. especially the ones i love the most, cause with them i am the harshest. it's not that i enjoy being so, and nor is it because i am genetically built to be a 'sadistic chauvinistic selfish bastard with a conscience that runs as deep as the shallowest pool'. no it is definitely not for these reasons. you want to figure out my behavior then know that i am afraid of these people the most. for they can hurt me the most.
i am most vulnerable to the ones i love. they have hurt me in the past. they will hurt me in the future. but in most cases i will learn to forget and forgive the pain, that much i know for sure.
agreed, that for them i would do anything, absolutely anything. but then there will be times when i will shut out the entire world and act in a manner that is absolutely incomprehensible to them. but that is simply because i need to do that. i need my space to brood and sulk over my pain in order to overcome it and learn to move on. respect that fact and don't push me to do things that i do not want to or tell me things that even i know, but can't help. keep your words, just give me a bar of chocolate when the time comes.


you say...

"I want to live and do something, I don't want to live and waste everything. I can survive with a glass of water and some bread. I don't need pity because for all I knew, I did not get a genuine one. I am human and I know what pain is. I have scars that no one can heal. My deal with God is my path in life to either live it or loose it all."


...i say, life for me is all about perspectives. i like to see things from different perspectives and give the other a chance apart from my own 'point of view notion'. i was different before. i used to be a self indulgent go-getter who was hell bent upon getting whatever he wanted. success was not an option. i was the best and i knew it. i made myself infallible. everything had to be my way. i was a class A asshole. now at least i am somewhat more human. i have learned that even i can fail. i must fail. failure gives you a much more humbler view of life that is much needed. i have learned to walk towards my goals instead of running blindly in a mad rush; and i am actually quite enjoying my leisurely pace. life is much kinder this way. both to me and to others.

i have learned to adapt and to compromise. but only for myself. i can survive on the proverbial 'bread and water', but i want to spoil the ones i care about. उनको तोह हम अपने पलको पर बीठा कर रखते है। cause i care about them.

***

"Blah!!"


ok, now i've finally had enough of all this drama (guess its time for a change of topic. so let's talk about my favorite topic, ME) . i often wonder what sort of a portrait this blog represents of my life...the drama's all there for sure, blown out of it's actual proportion by my indulgent mind, and a bit of the fun moments are injected as well...but most often than not, like i have said before. my life happens in between. the moments that go unmentioned. the things that i want to say, but am unable to. anyways, of late i have been feeling rather mixed. a bunch of myriad feelings. good and bad. mostly good. i am living a healthier life (yay! it's been 4 months since my last cigarette), i am better informed (considering the amount i have spent on books, i am also broke) and have a quaintly speculative attitude towards the 'greater' being (the philosophical and spiritual bug within me is itching).

***

ran into my old mates yesterday. loved it. shied away from my more recent pals a few days back. couldn't help it.

***

have been working with mom for the last few days. came down to A'bad to see her and to spend some time with her and ended up staying and taking a look at her work. liked it, so ended up staying a bit longer and actually lent a hand as well. her work is amazing. she is an amazing woman committed to an incredible ideal. wish i could spend some more time with her and travel along with her. i love you mom. you know that and that is why i am going to indulge in this little bit of shameless advertisement on your behalf.

my mom's work...albeit just some of it. take a look.



***

also have stolen this from you Ghosty. online polls.
DO IT!!



6 comments:

Ghost Particle said...

its a tie between batman and the fat cat! I prefer to be Calvin myself. :)

bro...the parallels of life is unmistakable, the similarities of pain stops before that. Our steps are same, our mistakes are different. Our words are the same, the results are different. so what is parallel? The world passing us, that is parallel. Some pain dont go awy...thats the pain.

Thanks for the conversation, may we meet in Valhalla to talk this out with the creator.

:)
or maybe over a beer. :P

Ghost Particle said...

i ahd to remove the poll bro....i was tweaking mah codes...and its working now...hopefully.

Cinderella. said...

Hmm...interesting revelations here. Hopped in from Gp's page.
I'd urge you to read my comment at his post to get my drift.
And about the poll, for me its a tie between the Batman and Garfield I guess...both have loads to boink about !! The former has his own and the latter has John's !!

Keshi said...

**"they are too stuck in their dimensions of right and wrong that they pretend not to know. Because I have been bad to hide my true self. I need this, everyone needs a shield to protect themselves"


Thats spot on! But wut can we really do abt it? I mean this is the nature of man. So I just get by somehow...cos Im jusy like you...and you are just like me. But we dun see eye to eye.

:)


Btw Nachi come check out my mag post ok ;-) abt 3 posts down from my latest post. tnxx!

Hope u hv been well...it's been a long time.

Keshi.

Nachi said...

Ghosty: well bro, i have always told you to give me a holler and lemme know when you want to rendezvous for the 'beer' chat.

so Calvin you say, eh? my mom says i am her motherhood's 'clavin' nemesis and that i could give him a run for his money back in my childhood.

and yeah, i saw that you removed the poll.

Cinderella: hey glad that you stopped by. will go check out your comment at Ghosty's.

as for Batty and Garfield agree with the "both have loads to boink about!!" part.

*secret revelation* its a natural order with pet cats to have a lot to boink about, and not just Garfield's luck. RP has my dad and me!!

Keshi: hmmm, so we are pretty much alike i see (the consideration of some possibilities running across the mind).

*wink wink* ;)

checked out your post.left a comment.

Keshi said...

lolz ok!

Keshi.