zappo mate!! totally cuckoo...mad you know.

...bought a guitar, chopped my hair, remained in a murderous mood (a carry forward from the last couple of weeks) that resulted in me telling a few people to go fuck themselves and let me be; then apologized to the same people for being so rude and cold, took the bus and came down to A'bad to visit mom before she flies back to the States on Sunday and since the past 2 days have finally begun to fret over the exams that are looming just around the corner...

***

have been in a zappo mood of late. guess that there is indeed something as male version of PMS or something of that sort. i mean, how else can one credit the sort of frame of mind that i have been in for quite some time now? you know that there are certain solutions to your predicament, but at the same time the solutions themselves are quite undesirable, if not to say, quite impossible to do.

at times thoughts are murky and the weight of a lot of different things and reasons holds you down while you try and figure out a way to do justice to them all on one hand and on the other you know that you can just toss them to one side and let your mind not be stressed with them.

total freedom. no obligations to anyone, no regards to other people and others emotions and feelings, no inconveniences for you anymore if only you could actually get do being so indifferent. but somethings you just can't. you must learn to accept it.

acceptance again is a pretty intense thing. have been mulling over that for a while now. i mean, it sure is one thing to know some thing for a fact and to acknowledge something. but to accept it is quite another. it's entirely different.

we go through our entire lives in a constant struggle of acceptance, something that we accept as the karmic justice, of everything else.

somethings we accept as given, the things we cannot change. somethings we accept for it's value to us, how much they mean to us and how is it that we determine this value, since somethings we can actually discern and choose from before we accept it while others we just take it in on its face value or show. but the point is once we have accepted anything, it becomes our sole responsibility. whether we make changes to the existing structure or we let it be the way it is, is our decision. others may and can influence certain things, but in the end the choice is solely yours, just like how is was your and your decision alone that in the first place ensured that you accepted what was on offer and willed that it be made your responsibility. now you may either build upon it, or simply destroy it. do what you must. make your choice and learn to accept the consequences of your choice.

life is intense.

but life is still very young and there is a long way to go as of yet. getting bogged down is not an option right now. there are avenues and opportunities for growth and new experiences to learn from all around. life is much more simpler when viewed with a simplistic and an optimistic eye full of humor. i have accepted that.

(wonder which kind of people you are? as for me, we all know I'm sheer genius)

***

"still, every now and then, the pupils contract to a certain focal point as the brow raises itself in an angry frown that raises dark thoughts, breeds a morbid feeling of uncertainty and leaves a certain taste of mistrust and disgust in your mouth."

:) ...what crazy thoughts, eh?? someone should go see a shrink!