fading memories...

i’ve followed you and this is as far as i can go,
all this time wanting you near…oh!
but the times are changing & the world ain’t so round.
once we leave there’s no way out…no way out.

& so you are standing there, wanting more from me
looking as if you still love me,
but girl, i can only try…oh!

all my life i’ve wanted your love,
wanting it even more tonight.
but girl u never even say a word.
you know, speaking my heart aloud isn’t easy for me
& lost in your own beautiful world you never see,
through my eyes, every time our eyes meet,
i try to tell you…but you just won’t see.
oh!! but i try…

& tonight is but a fragment in time,
as we dance this one last dance.
led by the rhythms of silence,
it’s just me and you.
& your love is all i need to live again tonight
cause come morning our roads depart,
fate leading us apart…
as we both become fading memories.
beautiful…unforgotten…fading memories.

to india...from mauritius

arre...shu vaat karo cho?? tamne badhane laagtu hashe ke hu mauritius ma masti karya sivaye kai biju kam nathi karto...paan aavi koi vaat nathi...bhndvanu pan atlij sari riite chale che...aane vaat rahi angreji ma lakhvanu, to samasya fakt aetlij ke hu mara firangi dosto ne maate angreji ma lakhu chu...nahi to gujarati ke hindi ma lahkva ma pan mane koi vaandho nathi...to paachi agar tamne badhane koi vaandho na hoi to hu angreji maj lakhvanu rakhish...barabar ne?? ;D

well then, i shall switch back to english....after all it's all the more comfortable for myself in expressing my thoughts and views in english rather than in gujarati, hindi, bengali, marathi or in any other language...
lets get this one straight...this post has much to do with my family and friends back in india whom many of you have no idea of and hence if you tend to get lost or confused i take no responsibility what so ever...all my cousins, my friends in india, and ma...this post is for you all.(but everyone's welcome to read it)
i really don't know where to start...there's so much that needs to be said regarding these past 2 years that i have spent on this island...but the one thing that i can say for sure is that i have changed...well, no need to get worried...most of me is still the same...bhangra and punjabi music still gets me dancing and i still love to eat and cook...reading is also big with me, just the way it always was and i still love hanging out with my friends and listening to my enigma collection...appearance wise also there's not much change, though i have put on some weight due to lack of exercise...(mom could vouch for that since she was here for a week last month...i really do appreciate your taking some time off your busy schedule to come and visit us ma...really do...just wish that it was more often that i got to see you and spend time with you)... so then what is that makes me say that i have changed? why in the world would i, nachiketa das, after everything that you know me to be, want to change? for these questions, i have no straight or reasonable answers. but i promise that i shall be completely honest in explaining myself.

first and foremost, rujudidi, i am really sorry for not being there on the most important day in your life. i know that you all missed me...and i did too... i missed you all so so much. i guess that i'm jinxed, cause till date i have not been there at any of my cousins weddings, and this fact, after all the sweet memories of our childhood, is very painful to live with...though i manage quite amicably. but every time i think of you in your wedding sari, didi, i get tears in my eyes...hell, right now i am about to cry...you know that you were always so special to me...you have and always will be my saslu. i just miss you so much. just want to wish you good luck and a happy marriage...now thanks to you i have one more place marked out on my map that i want to visit, Bahrain.

well, the one thing that i am glad about is the time that i am getting with my dad. after all every kid wants to have his special moments with his father...through out my entire childhood i have wanted the same...always wanted to be able to go and play football with my dad or simply to spend time with him...but due to circumstances and dad's relentless occupation with his research and books, i have never had enough of that time (now you all know why Jamanagar is so special to me, that's where i have so many happy memories of dad and my sister)...this is one grudge that i shall always have against my father. but this time is a sort of compromise...cause after what dad has undergone in the past 3 years in terms of him and mom, he needs me as much as i needed him when i was a kid and do even now...but i'm quite willing to live with such a compromise. after all, i have learnt much about my dad in the past 2 years than i have ever known about him in the past 18 years, and all i have to say is that i am proud to be his son.

living with a family such as mine is never easy. though thanks to my parents and god, i have no regrets, i still maintain that being nachiketa das is not easy. i know that everyone thinks the same...everyone has problems in his/her life...then why should i mark out myself? well for one thing, i mark myself out not because of my problems...i do so because of the lack of them...surprised, well you shouldn't be. you have no idea how it feels when you know that in life for all that you do you are answerable not only to yourself but to the so many people behind your success as well. one starts to take things for granted when one has no problems, and that's when the problem arises, hence i constantly remind myself of my debts to everyone.

who would i be without my family? the name, nachiketa das, i owe to my grandfather...the respect and honor that get because of my name i owe to my forefathers and their blood that flows through my veins. my confidence and ability to make the best of everything i owe to my mother. my love for reading and my spiritual and philosophical bug i owe to my dad. my education i owe to them both. my sorrows and pains i owe to my sister.. ;D

whatever i was in school and high school i owe to my teachers and my friends...mohit you are my strength...ankit and dev, you guys are my sane and wise part...sallu you are my joy...tejas you are the fucking most foul mouthed guy to whom i owe my ability to swear...

i owe so much more to all my family and my friends...all my wonderful memories...but for everything, all my happiness and sorrows, my qualities and capabilities, i am deeply indebted to my god, Damodar, and to him i shall forever be grateful.

now you see why it is not so easy being me...before making every decision i have to weigh all these people and the effect of my decision on them on the same scale as the decision itself. now that's hard.

some would say that i am stupid and that i must be selfish...make my own decisions for myself...but then, i am selfish. after taking from all these people all that i have taken and continue to take, how can i not be selfish?

i do have a conscience...and that's why i give to people as well...give unconditionally. if you say that life is give and take...you take something from someone and you give something back...as simple as that. that's not true. you can never have such a simple 50-50 relationship. can i ever give back the same amount of love that my mother and father give me? can i ever return exactly the same amount of knowledge or any suitable compensation for what i receive from my teachers and friends? if i could do so then it would have been so easy to replace people...but it is not. and that's why we miss our family and friends when they are not there...cause they are irreplaceable.

the only way out that i see for my conscience is that i try and balance the overall equation...from some i take more than i can give back to them, hence to others i simply give without expecting or actually wanting anything back...that is giving unconditionally. that is how friendship and happiness spreads...at least that's how it is for me.

apart from all this...to get to the point...what is that makes me say that i have changed?? well, as far as i can see, my views on the way i want to live my life right now are the ones that have changed. i no longer strive to be in charge or command of everything around me, i no longer wish to be the most popular guy around...i'm happy to take the back seat...now that's what has changed...ever remember me being like this?? why, some of you must be thinking that i have lost my mind...but what can i say...sometimes it's good to let life take over you instead of you taking over life.

it's like you are in a boat in the ocean. you have all the provisions but no map and no motor. just an oar. what do you do? try and row towards land! i guess not. you lay back and let the waves carry you, after all the waves crash onto the shore somewhere, don't they? you just relax and gaze up to the stars and make friends with the dolphins that swim alongside...you have a faint idea of which direction you are heading towards...but nothing more than that. you still have faith in god and ask him not to send any storms...cause your boat will not be able to withstand a storm...

that's how things are for me right now. i just pray to god that there be no storms on my life and, even if there are, that my faith, my boat, remain sturdy and carry me towards my shore. in the meanwhile i gaze up to the stars and make friends with the dolphins.

getting back to regaining control over my life shall have to wait till i reach the shore. but i shall be keeping a log of everything even on this trip...so don't forget to keep checking my blog. maybe you shall find something worth remembering in this journey of mine.

shall get back to you all later...

story time...

Once upon a time in the land of mauritius there lived a bunch of friends. during the weekdays they all studied in the university and behaved like any other normal student, but come weekends they all assembled to a secret place called flic n flac where they partied all night long. sometimes they even carried on with this ritual into the day. this bunch of merry friends included few 'crazy germans', few 'sane germans', two americans, a canadian, a bangladeshi, an indian, a rodriguan, few south africans and their local mauritian companions.the crazy germans were called hubsi, timo, rastaman, harry and little anne. the sane germans included silvia, mitty, big anne, inna, michael, norman and bettina (there were a few more but they preferred to hang out by themselves…and so we call them 'the other germans'). heather was the only canadian. nafiz and nachi (i.e. myself) hailed from south-east asia and joel was the rodriguan bitch. gordon and his mates were the big south africans and stephanie was amongst our very own mauritians. all put together they were one big party making gang who never tired from their crazy antics. some of these antics were to become legends in their own times. this tale is in honor of those great people and their friendship. but before you proceed, keeping in with the tradition you must fill your glass and drink to these legendry folks. if you fail to do so, woe befallen, you shall be cursed to a life of immeasurable insanity and sexual deprivation.

the legend of the rampage in the shopping cart.

one day sir hubsi and sir nachi were given the task of going to the shopping center to fetch some groceries. you see, sir timo was simply feeling too lazy to do anything. therefore the dangerous mission of going to the shopping center fell upon the shoulders of sir hubsi and sir nachi. now as soon as the knights received their task they set out towards the shopping center in their noble steed, the car. there is no describing the dangers that they faced and the difficulties that they overcame in the twisting and turning path towards their goal, Jumbo!!
now, once our brave knights reached their destination they decided to leave their steed in the parking...(of course given the choice i suppose sir hubsi would have taken his car straight into the shopping center. nothing better than a hit and run for our sir hubsi!!)...well the car couldn’t go in, hence once the noble steed was parked outside, sir hubsi and sir nachi had to search for different means to carry their groceries. and what else would suffice but a shopping cart? so our two brave knights picked up a shopping cart from the cart stand.

...well, i could give you more of this stories and legends bullshit or simply give you the hard facts on what happened. i have no more patience to sit back and write in such a shitty manner. no matter what way i put it in the humor still remains intact. so please spare my poor self this pain and just read on...
so hubsi and i pick up a shopping cart. now, only god knows why, i tell hubsi that i could give him a ride in the cart if he wanted one (me and my big mouth!!). guess what? hubsi leapt at the chance and jumped right into the cart. well now that the damage was already done, and the fact that i was quite unaware of it at that moment, we entered the mall. a big white guy in a shopping cart being pushed around by a small indian guy going from aisle to aisle picking up their groceries. yep, just try and visualize the sight in your mind. also try and visualize the reactions of the other hundred shoppers who just happen to be having quite a normal day until we walk by, or more correctly, ride by. it was more like:
what in the name of christ is this world coming to?.. bloody lunatics.. crazy.. look mom, now why can't i have a ride in the cart?.. what the hell just passed by?.. whatever!!.. and a dozen other looks on people's faces. most just grinned and there was this lady who just couldn't stop laughing. but the icing on the cake was this little bald kid, must be around 3 or 4 years old, who was in a cart right in front of us in the canned food section. the poor kid just couldn't believe his eyes and he just stared at hubsi in the cart with his mouth open and jaw dropping, his eyes almost popping out of his sockets, the biscuit he was nibbling on frozen in mid air as he tried to figure out what was happening. that was a 'picture of the year' moment. (too bad we didn't have the camera with us).
anyways, soon enough hubsi had to get out of the cart. you see the cart was getting quite full and we really did not have enough space for all the groceries and hubsi in the cart. also the fact that pushing around all that weight is not easy and i certainly was having a hard time doing so. hence, hubsi out...groceries in.
well the remainder of the trip is not worth mentioning (i.e. unless you find a description of standing in the queue to pay for you groceries and carrying them back to the car interesting).
on the way back hubsi almost managed to have us both killed. fucking brakes, they never work when you really need them. good thing that the guy in front of us decided to accelerate ahead before we slammed into him from the rear. i guess that's what you get for acting crazy in a shopping mall!! that's god's revenge for making his greatest creation look like the dumbest thing on the entire planet.
well i guess the tale ends here...we got all the stuff on the list...the mission over, sir hubsi and sir nachi, our two great heroes returned home in full splendor with the groceries.

~ fin~

so this is how the story ends. now it is up to you folks to decide whether this is worthy of becoming a legend or am i just an awful story teller. whatever you decide let me know soon. there are many more such crazy antics to hear about if you are interested.

new day, old emotions...

sometimes there's so much that needs to be said...but then, words are sometimes not appropriate...some things are just meant to be felt and experienced, and no matter how hard we try we can never explain such things to others. such times belong only to us. today was one such day.

i cannot explain why or how...but seeing hubsi and timo leave was not that hard...but as the day progressed it just kept on getting worse...worse not because of what happened today morning, but worse because of what happened almost 2 years back on a similar day and what has been happening on such a frequent basis in my life.

good memories are a man's utopia...but then sometimes they can be quite painful...and it's not because of the people involved or the incident itself...it's because of time.

time in its flight changes so many things, and those changes make some things harder to live with.

we are all so susceptible to such changes, and no matter how much we may deny they do affect us. anyways, like i said, i cannot explain how or what i felt today. all i can say is that it was quite an experience in terms of dealing with one's past and one's future and all the emotions that arise from them.

...there comes a point where you fall to your knees and beg for
it to stop. you just cannot take it anymore. you would rather die than go through such things anymore. but then it passes, and you are just so glad for everything, you cannot thank god enough...

you just have to take it on as the other side of life and live with it. as simple as that.

well now that my moment of weakness has passed i am all ready to get back to my life...there are things to be done...studies and friends await and gordon's ass needs to be kicked. (last time round the big bully almost broke my back and ribs...but i swear that i'll get back. after all he's only approximately 6 feet tall and 105 kilos). also, just met these new folks last saturday...3 south african girls...jakie, daffny and mawa. also heather's new roommate claudia (she's german) came along...too bad that kenzi was closed for the night, but we did have a great time at buddha bar. man we were all so drunk (hubsi, heather and myself), we just took off to the beach and sat there remembering all the great times we have had there. ..and i took on hubsi and gordon in a wrestling match on the beach...that's how drunk we all were. after that night i'm sure that the new girls think that we are all crazy. gordon's idea of having a BBQ on sunday evening was also a nice touch to the boys' last day in the island and we all sure appreciated him going out his way and doing so much for all of us. "jesus christ bru", he might be a bully, but a nice chap i must admit.

well apart form such an eventful weekend at QB, tomorrow is beach day at flic n flac (thanks to another mauritian public holiday, the second in two weeks)...how i wish that i could be there. but then i better stay at home and catch up on my studies that i have missed and also spend some time with dad...but i promise that i shall be back to partying on the weekends, and then i shall have so much more to tell you all...all the crazy things that happen or just the simple but nice times that we friends love to spend with each other.

until next time everyone out there, take care and have fun...

ps: don't forget to leave comments on the blog. i hate people who read my blog and then don't comment... ;)

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heather...my favourite Canadian