Tuesday, February 08, 2005

to india...from mauritius

arre...shu vaat karo cho?? tamne badhane laagtu hashe ke hu mauritius ma masti karya sivaye kai biju kam nathi karto...paan aavi koi vaat nathi...bhndvanu pan atlij sari riite chale che...aane vaat rahi angreji ma lakhvanu, to samasya fakt aetlij ke hu mara firangi dosto ne maate angreji ma lakhu chu...nahi to gujarati ke hindi ma lahkva ma pan mane koi vaandho nathi...to paachi agar tamne badhane koi vaandho na hoi to hu angreji maj lakhvanu rakhish...barabar ne?? ;D
well then, i shall switch back to english....after all it's all the more comfortable for myself in expressing my thoughts and views in english rather than in gujarati, hindi, bengali, marathi or in any other language...
lets get this one straight...this post has much to do with my family and friends back in india whom many of you have no idea of and hence if you tend to get lost or confused i take no responsibility what so ever...all my cousins, my friends in india, and ma...this post is for you all.(but everyone's welcome to read it)
i really don't know where to start...there's so much that needs to be said regarding these past 2 years that i have spent on this island...but the one thing that i can say for sure is that i have changed...well, no need to get worried...most of me is still the same...bhangra and punjabi music still gets me dancing and i still love to eat and cook...reading is also big with me, just the way it always was and i still love hanging out with my friends and listening to my enigma collection...appearance wise also there's not much change, though i have put on some weight due to lack of exercise...(mom could vouch for that since she was here for a week last month...i really do appreciate your taking some time off your busy schedule to come and visit us ma...really do...just wish that it was more often that i got to see you and spend time with you)... so then what is that makes me say that i have changed? why in the world would i, nachiketa das, after everything that you know me to be, want to change? for these questions, i have no straight or reasonable answers. but i promise that i shall be completely honest in explaining myself.
first and foremost, rujudidi, i am really sorry for not being there on the most important day in your life. i know that you all missed me...and i did too... i missed you all so so much. i guess that i'm jinxed, cause till date i have not been there at any of my cousins weddings, and this fact, after all the sweet memories of our childhood, is very painful to live with...though i manage quite amicably. but every time i think of you in your wedding sari, didi, i get tears in my eyes...hell, right now i am about to cry...you know that you were always so special to me...you have and always will be my saslu. i just miss you so much. just want to wish you good luck and a happy marriage...now thanks to you i have one more place marked out on my map that i want to visit, Bahrain.
well, the one thing that i am glad about is the time that i am getting with my dad. after all every kid wants to have his special moments with his father...through out my entire childhood i have wanted the same...always wanted to be able to go and play football with my dad or simply to spend time with him...but due to circumstances and dad's relentless occupation with his research and books, i have never had enough of that time (now you all know why Jamanagar is so special to me, that's where i have so many happy memories of dad and my sister)...this is one grudge that i shall always have against my father. but this time is a sort of compromise...cause after what dad has undergone in the past 3 years in terms of him and mom, he needs me as much as i needed him when i was a kid and do even now...but i'm quite willing to live with such a compromise. after all, i have learnt much about my dad in the past 2 years than i have ever known about him in the past 18 years, and all i have to say is that i am proud to be his son.
living with a family such as mine is never easy. though thanks to my parents and god, i have no regrets, i still maintain that being nachiketa das is not easy. i know that everyone thinks the same...everyone has problems in his/her life...then why should i mark out myself? well for one thing, i mark myself out not because of my problems...i do so because of the lack of them...surprised, well you shouldn't be. you have no idea how it feels when you know that in life for all that you do you are answerable not only to yourself but to the so many people behind your success as well. one starts to take things for granted when one has no problems, and that's when the problem arises, hence i constantly remind myself of my debts to everyone.
who would i be without my family? the name, nachiketa das, i owe to my grandfather...the respect and honor that get because of my name i owe to my forefathers and their blood that flows through my veins. my confidence and ability to make the best of everything i owe to my mother. my love for reading and my spiritual and philosophical bug i owe to my dad. my education i owe to them both. my sorrows and pains i owe to my sister.. ;D
whatever i was in school and high school i owe to my teachers and my friends...mohit you are my strength...ankit and dev, you guys are my sane and wise part...sallu you are my joy...tejas you are the fucking most foul mouthed guy to whom i owe my ability to swear...
i owe so much more to all my family and my friends...all my wonderful memories...but for everything, all my happiness and sorrows, my qualities and capabilities, i am deeply indebted to my god, Damodar, and to him i shall forever be grateful.
now you see why it is not so easy being me...before making every decision i have to weigh all these people and the effect of my decision on them on the same scale as the decision itself. now that's hard.
some would say that i am stupid and that i must be selfish...make my own decisions for myself...but then, i am selfish. after taking from all these people all that i have taken and continue to take, how can i not be selfish?
i do have a conscience...and that's why i give to people as well...give unconditionally. if you say that life is give and take...you take something from someone and you give something back...as simple as that. that's not true. you can never have such a simple 50-50 relationship. can i ever give back the same amount of love that my mother and father give me? can i ever return exactly the same amount of knowledge or any suitable compensation for what i receive from my teachers and friends? if i could do so then it would have been so easy to replace people...but it is not. and that's why we miss our family and friends when they are not there...cause they are irreplaceable.
the only way out that i see for my conscience is that i try and balance the overall equation...from some i take more than i can give back to them, hence to others i simply give without expecting or actually wanting anything back...that is giving unconditionally. that is how friendship and happiness spreads...at least that's how it is for me.
apart from all this...to get to the point...what is that makes me say that i have changed?? well, as far as i can see, my views on the way i want to live my life right now are the ones that have changed. i no longer strive to be in charge or command of everything around me, i no longer wish to be the most popular guy around...i'm happy to take the back seat...now that's what has changed...ever remember me being like this?? why, some of you must be thinking that i have lost my mind...but what can i say...sometimes it's good to let life take over you instead of you taking over life.
it's like you are in a boat in the ocean. you have all the provisions but no map and no motor. just an oar. what do you do? try and row towards land! i guess not. you lay back and let the waves carry you, after all the waves crash onto the shore somewhere, don't they? you just relax and gaze up to the stars and make friends with the dolphins that swim alongside...you have a faint idea of which direction you are heading towards...but nothing more than that. you still have faith in god and ask him not to send any storms...cause your boat will not be able to withstand a storm...
that's how things are for me right now. i just pray to god that there be no storms on my life and, even if there are, that my faith, my boat, remain sturdy and carry me towards my shore. in the meanwhile i gaze up to the stars and make friends with the dolphins.
getting back to regaining control over my life shall have to wait till i reach the shore. but i shall be keeping a log of everything even on this trip...so don't forget to keep checking my blog. maybe you shall find something worth remembering in this journey of mine.
shall get back to you all later...

2 comments:

Gordon van den Heever said...

Hey, this one went real deep! I think it's good once and a while to release, the big thing is don't let it boggle up. It will explode someday. Don't worry about the American, she's only YAPPING! If this is your medium to express yourself, use it. If you need to talk about it, my door is always open to everyone. Don't keep it inside! I'm not ashamed who am I and what I do, as long as you try to do it the right way. Maybe you need to talk to the once close to you and tell them how you feel about certain issues. I still haven't done it(cause I feel the time is not right), but eventually I will need to. Give me a call when you read this or any other time if you feel you need to talk, I'm da Bru all from da South.

Nachi said...

all right....listen up. first and foremost..jess, ur right.we had this conversation and let's not argue over it...some people are stubborn assholes who never see reason.and i happen to be one of them...
secondly gordon...thanx bru..appreciate ur concern...shall definately call if needed.
thanx to u all for being so good to me...don't know what i'd do without u guyz...
peace..

also would luv to see if any of you can translate the first paragraph.. ;D

hint: it's gujarati..