...memories are a key into the past. sometimes, i step back and forget to keep the door ajar. i get locked in into the past and then there are times when i loose the key and become locked out, unable to reach inwards and connect with all that i left behind. i do not intend to do so. i am just bad with handling keys. i just happen to loose them every now and then.
and then sometimes it takes a storm out of nowhere to come and knock down the door and unleash the flood of old memories and emotions that completely engulf me and drown me. the rapid motion of the sudden surge completely paralyzing my body that had long given up trying to struggle and swim away. only the eyes are the last portal of spontaneity, of realization. and then i drown. slowly. deeper into the abyss.
my last words caught in the last gasp for air that violently bubbles up towards the surface only to remain unsaid forever. my last "sorry" & my last "i love you"; are but bubbles in the flood. insignificant. lost. inconsequential.
there are quite a few people who are locked up behind the doors. people who mattered to me more than everything. people with whom, over the course of time, i drifted away. i locked them in. yes, i did it! i had to. the reason for this is not justifiable enough to anyone except myself.
***
Sudha Ma'm passed away on the 1st of February 09 due to cancer. and with her passed away the curious 16 year old whom she taught the basics of economics and logic and directed him on a journey that has taken me half way around the world and into my brain. with her passed away the boy who would excitedly devour any book in his path cause he wanted to go discuss it and turn it over with his teacher. with her passed away a son, who loved her like a mother despite not being related to her in any other way except for a book and a classroom.
i walked onward in life trying to satiate the curiosity that she had honed to such levels that 'looking back' was never an answer for the fear of being held back. years later over those rare time-snatched phone calls it would always be a quaint "how are you son?", never was i told how she was. it was impermissible, to know that she was not fine or that she desired something more from her student, her son. a mother never demands. even if it is time and a phone call. or maybe she never did expect anything back in return. and then sometime, somehow, she was locked in on the other side.
the day before yesterday, the doors were smashed open by an innocuous enough little offline message. it took some time for the mind to register the surge that was coming. and then it hit.
i just have to say this. to all the people whom i love. i know that i can be incorrigible enough to not keep in touch. i know that i get so caught up in life, that i hardly spare time or the effort to reach out and say the things that i have to say. i get hurt and then i lock myself on the other side of the door. that is how i function. and i am not proud of how distant i can become, but i have no regrets for who i am. but i understand the consequences of my actions and i live with them no matter what. i drown to the deepest depths of the abyss. i re-emerge and walk ever onwards.
i just want to say that "i love you" and that "i am sorry" for all the times when i have not been the person that you have wanted me to be. but i am getting there.
***
the current song in the background is 'You're Beautiful' by James Blunt. there are memories associated with that as well. its just one more lost key to a locked door. but this is the one door i don't want opened. i am not strong enough to face the surge. and there will be no resurrection.
