Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Woman even if you are reading this, it don't mean that the war is over...

just got done applying oil and massaging my Masi's hair for her...eish! these herbal hair oils really redefine 'stinking'. had to wash my hand thrice with soap to get rid of the smell. apart from that, it was a crazy day today!!

wasn't really planning to come down to Ahmedabad this soon. in fact, the original plans actually had a direct Mumbai trip jotted down for the 15th. there was no Ahmedabad in between. but then, a few days of getting up on the wrong side of the bed in Baroda, and a phone call from didi was all it took to have me packing my bags and leaving today morning from Baroda. an impulsive start to the day, and what a day it was! impulsive to the core!

it has been a constant nagging reminder at the back of my head that over the last 6 to 7 months i have actually become more anti-social as compared to before. gone are the 'meet random folks and make friends everyday' rituals from my first year back in India. instead, i stick to the few people whom i have somewhat inculcated into my daily life in Baroda...
i meet a fixed set of people, do the same thing almost everyday & avoid anything related to and everyone of my friends from my days in India before Mauritius. and even with the few 'select' people i am randomly moody and see-saw between spending almost all my time with them, and not meeting them and spending all my time locked up in my apartment (many days at a stretch) doing nothing but reading and sleeping
...until my flatmate, Luke, finally gives up and throws me out of the apartment (with physical brute force if need be) just to get me out.

its not that i don't like having people or friends around...its something inexplicable that drives me to be this way of late. my mom says that i am outgrowing my friends at a very fast pace. faster than the rate at which i meet new people and make friends. she believes that i am getting saturated and that as of now, trying to focus on my academics would be a better idea than to try and sort out my social problems (dad certainly agrees to the latter part! all he wants is for me to excel in my studies and work. बाकी सब बातें बाद की बातें हैं। अभी सीरफ पढ़ाई करो ।) .

in the most random of things, today i met Shanaya. guess that after more than nine years i have changed enough to confuse her to the point that she couldn't recognize me straight away. was actually funny the entire incident. had gone down to Shanaya's place with didi to hand over the wedding invitation to her dad who happens to be my didi's favorite teacher from High School. was sitting there on the couch when Shanaya walked in and greeted di, acknowledged me in the 'hello stranger in my house' manner and began chatting with didi. not wanting to spoil the moment i simply sat there sipping my lemonade and made no effort to jog her memory. pretty soon she quibs, "Oh so even Nachiket (she always called me Nachiket) is going to be there at the wedding right? too bad that you are getting married in Mumbai & that we can't attend. would have liked to meet Nachiket." well that's when both didi and i cracked up...well to cut the story short, was an entertaining hour we spent at my secondary school sweetheart's place.

;)

in other things, more serious things. i know that i have been an absolute dick-head and a class A jerk when it comes to my relationship with the woman. agreed that we have our differences and that our points of view in regards to life are somewhat not concurring, and that this has very heavily impacted our friendship and our relationship. we have both done the things that we have done and made the decisions that we thought would make us happy and not necessarily the other. and in doing so (and i don't want to be mincing any words here) there has been a lot of bad collateral. more so in my case. but how-so-ever mad that i may be at her and that no matter how much i may crib and complain and act like an ass, the fact remains that somewhere down the line i am glad for her. i am happy that she is finally able to take a stand and make a choice and that she is willing to live with the repercussions of her choice, both good and bad. what more could you want from someone whom you love like no other and consider your best friend. its just that i am not very happy to be at the receiving end of the whip and that makes me quite sullen. yes, i have been hurt quite bad and i also admit that the way that i have handled that hurt over the past months may not have been the best. not talking to you, not seeing you & avoiding everything that reminds me, how-so-ever minuscule that remembrance may be, of you. thought that maybe i could forget everything and simply move on to a new place, new friends and new things. after all, isn't that what i do best?
i eventually move on and leave everything behind.
...but trust me, you got me in quite a fix here woman.

just catching a glimpse of you today while driving around the city had me all, "stop the car!! i need to get out and see her." don't know why, but despite all my efforts at being an arse and not wanting to have to do anything with you, today when i saw you all i wanted to do was hold you and embrace you and kiss you and tell you that i love you and that i miss you and that i'm sorry that i am such a jerk (although i guess that i only managed the hey and miss ya part, that too in a formal manner). no matter what i happen to say and do, nothing changes the fact that you will always remain a very very important person in my life.

i have always claimed proprietorship over a lot of things in our friendship. guess that i also have the claims over the right to be 'the stupid jerk who acts like he knows all and who has an ego bigger than anything else known in the Universe'. it's just that i miss you woman. i really do. i'm not saying that i'm wrong in being hurt and that whatever happened was the best way to go about with things. its just that for me in many ways, nothing has changed. i still love you and i miss you and i guess that i'm going to have to try harder to not do so.

best friends right!

***

*update: 7th Jan 2008*

...it's sad that things have come to the point that people's perspective have changed to the point that one cannot even speak anything freely anymore. no one has any rights over anyone else's memories and thoughts. the curtailing of my own freedom of expression is as far as i can go. even for you. this once its done. never again. cherish the memories and have no regrets or shame. they were not that bad.

goodbye my dearest friend. no sorries, no thank you's. that's the rule of friendship...

1 comment:

Ghost Particle said...

//nstead, i stick to the few people whom i have somewhat inculcated into my daily life in Baroda...//

So true bro, as u get older, i mean young older, u retract from the world. U prefer solitude rather than magnitude.

I have to say, you wrote a nice message for the girl bro. People change, hope she accepts it. Hold strong bro.