Friday, November 30, 2007

and she says, "dodo"...

have been in a spaced out mood all day. and i am only referring to it as 'spaced out' cause i really have no words to exactly describe it...
nostalgia, sheer joy, the throes of disappointment and disillusionment, some remorse, a tinier bit of anger, a larger portion of optimism, a bit of grit and perseverance, थोडा सा reluctance & hesitation, quite a dash of dry humor and a lot of contemplation
...just some of the emotions that have been brewing up inside of my head thanks to all the brain juices that are being jumbled around and shook up. it was better when i was sick! at least i had the satisfaction of knowing that all that mattered at that point in time was the infectious cold plaguing my body, and not some unknown feeling brought about my my own imagination.

it is a soothing feeling to spend some quality time with my didi before her marriage. the little tasks of day-to-day life have become the ones that bring out the best moments, knowing that pretty soon things are going to be very different and that such times will be hard to spare. it's funny how managing to slightly singe a roti while making rotis can lead to a burst of insane laughter as it reminds us of the time when we were kids and while trying to imitate our mothers in the kitchen we actually managed to burn not just the rotis, but ourselves as well. sheesh, the hiding we got afterwards was worse than the burn!! i'm some what saddened by the realization that soon she is going to get married and move to Mumbai to her own house. but on the brighter side, she won't be there to bully me when i come to Ahmedabad in the future. ;)

something inside of me actually wanted to go to the temple today. it was after a long long time that i was in a temple simply cause i wanted to, and not because i wanted to check out some architecture or intricate stone carving or idols. i actually went to the temple cause i felt like it. and it helped that we had to go to the Gayatri temple in any case to offer the first invitation to the Gods for didi's wedding that goes out as per our tradition. so i went to the temple with Ba and didi. i stayed for the aarti (prayer service) and also managed to astonish myself by recollecting and saying correctly quite a decent bit of the Sanskrit shlokas that formed part of the aarti & ended up sitting at the steps of the temple with Ba while she narrated several 'notes of significance' on the Hindu culture and divinity. ...
i'm glad that i have a family that stresses on the importance of learning about and respecting, if not adhering to, our traditions and culture. it saves me from getting lost in the me lee that is my personally cultivated sense of liberality that says, "to each his/her own". sometimes a lot of individuality spread around by a lot of individuals can bring about a sense of confusion. and i guess that is precisely the reason why we need all this; the religions, our spirituality and our God
...was going through old pictures today. didn't want to or intend to, but ended up doing so. pictures from my days back in school and high school. pictures of people i call friends and whom i love. pictures of people whom i have not met or spoken to in months if not years. and pictures of people whom i don't know when i will meet again. i know that i have the ability and opportunity to go see them and talk to them right before me, but i am incapable of doing so. i love them and i miss them, but i can't reach out to them and let them know about it. this is the way that i am and i know that it is not right. i need to change. i tried to change. but i failed. maybe someday i shall try again, and hopefully that time i shall not fail.
guess mom was right when she said that, "when it comes to you, i have come to the conclusion that, no news is good news."

1 comment:

Ghost Particle said...

many things to think about, many memories. it made me sad. I dont have a sister, my biggest regret in life.

//i'm glad that i have a family that stresses on the importance of learning about and respecting, if not adhering to, our traditions and culture. it saves me from getting lost in the me lee that is my personally cultivated sense of liberality that says, "to each his/her own".//

u said it well.