right now the only emotion engulfing my entire being is that of intense anger and despair!
...how i wish that things were different. how i wish that there was a better way of going about with life. how i wish that father and son were more alike in thought. how i wish for so many things...
but this is the life i lead and this is the father i love. he drives me to the wall and makes me scream out in despair at the constant virulent pessimism and the hobnob principles and hypocritical ideals and 'social' rules he lives by and tries to enforce upon me as well. he makes me want to throw up in anger and disgust at his inability to appreciate life for what it is worth and his blindness to all beauty within the filth that we exist in.
he lives in a world that is 'black and white'. i survive in a pallet of vivacious colors.
i hurt, i feel and i despair! still more than all of this ,i love! i love him for who he is. yes, there are a million things that i would change about him. but then, he would not be the man that he is. he would not be the father that he is. and yet, for most of the time, i am angry and hurting...
"life, i tell you!!"
...i guess its all a matter of perspective. we are both right where we stand. we both have the same habit of never backing down for what we believe to be right. in many ways 'father and son' are more alike than we would both like to believe. it's the choices that we make in life that are different. what simply differs is the fundamental basics that define the working of our minds. for we cannot think alike. never!
***
the anger shall pass. the love will remain. we both know that.
9 comments:
This was a moving post. A post that touched uniquely. And ofcourse, brought back a zillion memories.
I have had my stand offs with my dad too. Real serious ones. And we pulled on. He never stopped saying 'Take care' no matter what. And i would have so much difficulty saying it back to him ! I was young back then ! Much young !!
And Parkinson engulfed him, we still had our stand offs. Even when he couldnt really stand and i was perennially off !
We still have our divergent views. I remind him that he read Kahlil Gibran to me for the first time, "Your children are not your children...' !
And he smiles. And replies quietly, 'of lifes many mistakes...' !!
So, such exchanges continue. I am a different man now. so is he. But we both stand for and stand by each other!
And i just loved the way you have ended this post. For, of all the fights i have had with him, nowhere do i recall the anger. But i know, he still will say, 'take care' and mean every word. And my eyes go moist whenever he says that.
For he is my father. And i am his son.
Kavi: the funny thing is that one day in the future, the entire relationship will be relived all over again. only this time i shall be in my father's shoes and someone else shall be in mine.
...somethings never change. and that is the way i would rather have it be...
:)
Kavi: ...my dad told me stories of Sinbad that he would make up back when i was real young...
but if he had to read from a book, i suppose he would have read me a few chapters from the Medical Physiology and other similar text books he always surrounds himself with. thank God he never read to me!
and there would be a day when somewhere u may write the same but as a dad.... :P
anyways, the gud point is love remains...
:)
Touching post Nachi!
Im sorry that u and ur dad dun think alike...but u dun hv to think alike to get along. give him his space, and he shall give u ur space. ppl in the same family can think so differently...I know how u feel. me and my sis r poles apart and there were times we never got along...we hurt each other etc..but we both give each other alot of space now and we get along very well now. It works...thats why Im asking u to do the same. I hope it helps.
**he lives in a world that is 'black and white'. i survive in a pallet of vivacious colors.
Love the way u expressed it!
Keshi.
Thoughtful words, Nachi... and I like them.
I've watched that father-son relationship between Timo and his father and Daniel and his father:
So many constantly changing facets of their different characters combined with deep feelings of love and affection in something like...
...a "competition"?
I guess the relationship between father and son will be unique in every family.
A very touching post!
Even I am at constant "fight-mode" with my dad.. its just a father daughter combination thats all ;-)
But one thing is for certain, no dad stops "caring"... no matter how hard we have fought, he is always the first one to call and tell something about taking care of your finances or health or anything. The cordial talk may not be there till the heat is there... but the "I care for you" is always there!
Dad's are always dads :)
(hugs)
You know Nachi being a parent is very hard. There is no handbook and we have to make it up as we go along with the life experience we have.
I am sometimes in conflict with my own children. Thankfully these are very rare occasions :D
One thing is certain - there will be an opportunity for conflict between a parent and a child and even when they are adults for they will always remain your children.
the made me think Nachi
yes the generation gap... even i get mad with this stuff... just this morning, driving to work mama was telling me the duties of a good girl, the chores etc etc all that... i could have requested her not to talk about it so early in the morning, but i let her... she does that out of love and care... and so does ur father... :)
im happy this post had a happy ending... in the end, it's only the endless love that stays :)
I think you'll be interested in this one:
http://pink-loves-brown.blogspot.com/2008/12/joshs-own-superman.html
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