this sunday...

TYPICAL!

psychiatric diagnosis...

it's the classic five.

Denial...Anger...Bargaining...Depression...Acceptance

sometimes people tend to skip or overlap some symptoms. there are many factors that control the velocity and direction of transition and manifestation between the 5.

first symptom - 2 days
second symptom - over 3 weeks
third symptom - 3 to 4 days
fourth symptom - 1 month (and maybe still persisting)
fifth symptom - just manifested a week ago

anyways, make me a bad cup of coffee and i can do all five in one minute flat!!

but the point that concerns me the most is of this one symptom that has been consistent through out and still managed to elude being included in the diagnosis. all i can do is sit back and ask

Am I Self Destructing??

(the current track playing on the playlist goes something like this)

...don't tell me to not to get high. cause i'm as low as i can get without kissing your ass!! i'm an addict and i just can't let it go...and anyways, whatever happened to sex, drugs and rock n roll??

~Gun's and Roses

***

ah well, people might sing Happy Birthday and wish me well, but i know that its going to be tough going. it has been hard so far and its only going to get worse. and i am scared.

हींglish...

वाह वाह !!

अब हम hindi में भी blogging कर सकते है।

...if only it wasn't so damn freaking hard to figure out the alphabetic configuration of हींदी on the QWERTY!!

हां हां हां हां । (ha ha ha ha)

:)

the time traveller...

...was caught by a sudden bout of nostalgia and couldn't help rummaging through the archives and read all the stuff that i have come up with over the past 2 years...it was almost like mapping my own evolution, charting my thoughts and looking at myself through the spyglass...

so, here are a few posts that remain so close to my heart. the feelings that they evoke today are as vivid as they were when i wrote them! somethings never change, eh?

to india...from mauritius

& there are some...

rainman...

the 100 petal lotus...

my holiday song...

stuck in traffic...

...plus one of my favorite pictures of my favoritest person in the entire world!! (i know that it's a weepy shot, but babe you manage to look breathtaking no matter what)




...need to be getting back to my reading now. got a paper on Political Studies on Tuesday...

later folks, love you all!!

:)

Et Tu, Brute???

...when heroes fall, they seldom do so in a peaceful manner. time is the mute witness to the ignominy of a heroes death...

***

"et tu Brute?"

in Shakespearean anthology, the famous last words of Gaius Julius Caesar...if i were to believe in Suetonius the Greek then it would be "καί σύ τέκνον" ("You too, my child?")...or maybe Plutarch got it right when he mentions that Caesar spoke nothing; 'he merely raised his toga over his head when he saw Brutus amongst the conspirators'.

maybe Caesar said it, maybe he did not. but whatever be the case, he managed to fulfill the dictum of a heroes death. stabbed in the Senate of Rome, the capital of the empire he wished to revive to it's golden days, and struck by a knife grasped in the hands of the person he loved the most.

in Brutus's defense, he was not alone. the 'Liberatores' gave Caesar the dictator his 23 wounds in the name of freedom. but it was Brutus that killed the man that was Gaius Julius Caesar. only he could have done so... but my question as of this moment is a simple one:

"what would have been Caesar's reaction to Brutus stabbing him? what must he have felt when the knife was still in his body?"

Anger? Betrayal? Fear? Pity? Sorrow? or maybe Disappointment???

***

left to my imagination, the emotional undertone of Caesar's last words must have been that of disappointment. disappointment, that the one person he trusted the most and loved the most was the one unable to understand him. disappointment, that the trust he had put in that person had been belied by the very actions of that person, who hereby proved himself to be unworthy of that trust. disappointment, that the dreams he had dreamed and shared with that person would now never be fulfilled. disappointment, that the other person failed in loving him unconditionally in the same manner as he had loved him...disappointment to the very core of his soul. that's what Caesar must have felt...

in any case, Caesar died a man betrayed by his friend and not a tyrant assassinated by a bunch of liberators. so i guess that i shall believe in Plutarch and accept the silence of Caesar and his unwillingness to even look at Brutus. Brutus had failed him. there was nothing left to be said...

"silence sometimes rings louder than the loudest of bells."

sunday muses...

i have a feeling that this one is going to turn out to be one of those "mother-of-a-posts" post...after all, there is so much within me that needs to be expressed. it has been delayed. but it needs to be let out in one way or another. so those of the faint heart and those who come visit blogs simply to see a nice pretty picture and a short write up, be warned!! this is not for you.

*******

talking to Sallu is always a experience worth recollecting. you sit and ponder over the conversation for a long time afterwards (at least that's what i do). and she does raise some pretty darn tough questions, that woman! her latest bunch of queries being:

why the ego? Do you think that it is necessary in a relationship or in life in general? and why can't you just let go of those silly notions that you term as romantic ideals and principles?

...i really was too displaced mentally to answer these questions with the proper justification that they deserve at that point in time. but now when i sit back and think, i realize that it really is not that hard to explain. at least from my point of view.

the EGO is me. it is the culmination of my entire life's efforts. whatever i have achieved till date is reflected in my ego. it is also the pride and emotion that i feel as a part of my family and it's heritage and of my culture and of my nation. in short everything around me that i cherish becomes my ego.

similarly, when it comes to relationships and life in general, the people/person i love also become an integral part of my ego. even when i give to them unconditionally without wanting anything back in return, even that feeds my ego. i am proud of the fact that i am capable being in a mature understanding relationship with that person/people and of loving them, and hence the ego. without them, my ego has no existence. and without my ego, i have no existence.

who would i be if i had no ego? if i couldn't stand up and say with pride "my name is Nachiketa Das", what would be my identity? i am not just another person. i don't want to be just another person. we are all constructs of identities and to compromise on one's identity is in my eyes an unpardonable crime. even my conscience is my ego. i am an irreproachable egoist.

...i realized this fact very early on in life and have continuously built upon it. the methods of building have changed over time, as have the preferences of the building tools, but i have never looked back. earlier on i used to rush into things with a zeal that was aimed at overwhelming my undertaking. almost like a Blitz Kreig. but now i take smaller strides. they may be smaller, but they are also surer.

i have always been provided with a healthy meal of books to satiate my incessant hunger for reading and learning in general. from my first real comic (Flash Gordon folks, and i still have it) at the age of 3 to the current book on my table (Strangers of the Mist) and to the healthy collection that i so fondly call my library, it is these books that have filled my head with this so called 'romantic ideal'. they have given me the panache for dramatization and also made me contemplative by nature. they have filled my dreams with a sense of adventure and they have drawn up a map of the world that i want to travel. and so if you want to blame anything or anyone then blame them books.

but i most certainly would not. yes, i am a silly person who has faith in the inherent goodness of man and who dreams of great adventures into the unknown.

i just believe. why? i do not know. i just believe.

*******

in other things, being a part of the current growing Indian economy, i am supposed to be a proud consumer. a consumer i am, but pride in the Indian economy is certainly something that i find to be becoming increasingly unpalatable. the growing disparity between the burgeoning upper middle class and the stagnant lower classes is something that is an ever increasing concern. there are signs of fractures emerging in the nation. the problem with militancy in the North Eastern states and the civil disorder in Nandigram and Singur to the rise of fundamental Hindutva in Gujarat and the growing apathy in the Delhi. they are all cause for concern. globalization has claimed it's latest victim. the CPI (M) in Bengal. the so called Marxists have also fallen to the charms of a capitalistic ideal. not that i am an anti-capitalistic or anti-globalization, but somewhere we must draw a line.

when the government itself under the guise of national interest and with the help of a draconian law that predates our independence lays claim to the lands of a community that has been for centuries living a contented existence, enough is enough.

the situation is Naidigram and Singur is a result of the terrible miscalculations of the government. they thought that by building SEZs they would feed to the growing capitalistic bubble in India and in return generate employment and growth. but employment and growth at what cost? at the cost of uprooting the existing agarian society. by turning farmers into factory workers. we are simply asking for trouble. we are asking for a Malthusian nightmare.

when the sons-of-the-soil are removed from their soil, trouble brews. the entire North Eastern region is already reeling from an assault of demographic movements within the states and even across borders. an unprecedented and unaccounted number of people are already walking across the border into India in search of a better life charmed by the new consumerism that has engulfed most of India. what we need is a solution to this mass influx and not adding to it by displacing out own. we are fueling dissent amongst the people and forcing them to take up arms to save their unique lifestyle against the encroaching consumerism. we believe that we are a growing economy that is on its way to becoming the next super power due to its astounding consumerism driven growth. but growth at the cost of our own people . i guess i do not believe in that.