Monday, January 07, 2008

deciphering the 'goo-goo', 'ga-ga' and everything else that a baby says...

having a baby come step in to your immediate environment can lead to the popping up of strange and funny occurrences in the otherwise natural order of daily life. and hence things have been quite of the ordinary ever since my baby niece 'the dodo' aka 'gundi' aka Rushika has come to India.

its a well known fact that unlike most men, i somehow tend to immensely enjoy kids around me. the panicking followed by the
"oh my God, what do i do? why did God have to make kids?"
mantra-jap is something that eludes me. it's a pretty simple logical step-by-step manual to 'handling kids and babies' that has been pre-formated and saved into my brain. here's a few tips from the manual:
  1. if a baby (read as anything from birth till the age of 2 years. anything older than that can in most cases talk and tell you what they want or walk to the other available person if you happen to be deaf) is crying, then it is either that she/he is hungry or needs a diaper change or is bored outta it's mind and needs you to drop your work and act like a fool to entertain it.
  2. changing diapers is not that bad a job. it's way easier and less time consuming than having to put the baby to sleep. so make a deal with the mother/any one else around you to take up the 'sleep time' job while you bear 5 minutes of stinkin poo (oh come on fellas, most of us are used to dirty manual labor anyways).
  3. feeding a baby (anything apart from it's bottled milk) is the job only for the creatively inclined. you need to be able to make up stories and con the baby into eating what you are feeding it.
  4. once the child learns how to walk you need to be able to forecast the imminent manhandling of anything within the baby's reach and get ready to be on a 24x7 lookout for crashing disasters (and yes, the baby's safety too).
  5. you need to be careful about the language that you use and about your actions as well. the last thing you want is for the baby to walk around saying "F$#k!" & "S#*t!" in an adorable baby voice as it saunters around the world and for it to stick it's finger in it's nose while it's doing so.
  6. the baby being silent and unheard from for a span of time is signs that either the baby is neck deep in doing something he/she shouldn't be doing. or it is asleep without your knowing how and where, or it's lost (if so, then call the mother, grandmother, the entire family. launch a baby hunt and eventually find him/her immersed in former scenario).
  7. going to the gym does not mean that you are fit. the ultimate fitness regime is handling a baby. if you can manage to do so and somehow survive the day and still be able to cook dinner, feed the baby, change it and put it to sleep at the end of the day and then wind up your work to meet your deadlines, then you are at your fitness peak. stop wasting time and money on the gym. buy yourself some Asprin and the baby some baby-food with the money instead.
...the rest, just follow nature's selection criteria and learn as you go by. adapt to the scenario. it is quite a lot of fun handling a child. if nothing else works, go with the age old saying, "Boys will be boys!" and get in touch with the kid inside of you as you play with the child. it's way too much fun to miss.

ps: and yes, gals dig guys who can handle a baby. *wink wink*



Ghost Particle said...

bro! immensely funny! damn! :D

tell me...what happens if we cry and what will the baby do?

Nachi said...

Ghosty: to be very honest, i haven't come up against a scenario as such so far into my career as a baby handler...the closest i got to crying was when my niece head-butted my nose. her grin and subsequent "baa boo bhoom!" sort of conveyed the message that she quite seemed to enjoy my pain! :)